‘Army of Darkness’ a fit film for Halloween

By Francis Valanzola
Acting Entertainment Editor



What makes a good horror movie? Demons? Suspense? Or an ancient book that causes the main character to get a goddamn chainsaw hand! That’s right. What’s up, Youngtown readers? It’s Halloween season, and you know what anniversary it commemorates? Well, for those of you in the realm of pop culture, you’d know it’s the anniversary of the premiere of the pilot of Ash vs. Evil Dead. So, to commemorate this, your pop culturist has taken it upon himself to review the first movie to include the iconic use of word “Deadites,” “Army of Darkness.” Created by Sam Raimi in 1993, this end to the three movie arc in the Evil Dead franchise starring Bruce Campbell, that would later be rebooted, as a movie, and a television series, actually had a budget of 11 million, and surpassed it at 25.5 million USD. The gist of the movie is after summoning demons from the Necronomicon Ex Mortis or Book of the Dead, and lopping his hand, which was possessed, off at the wrist, Ashley “Ash” J. Williams is sent to medieval times, is mistaken for a Red Army soldier, and is kidnapped by Lord Arthur. When he finally proves his true self as the warrior from the prophecy, his mission is to get the book that started the whole mess, state the phrase from the 1951 version of The Day The Earth Stood Still, klaatu barada nikto, face off against an army of Deadites, including an evil doppelganger of himself, and get back to his own time. This movie is amazing. The use of practical effects is, I’ll admit, a bit dated, but it gets better with age. I actually recommend this to any newcomers to the Evil Dead franchise, since it gives you a recap of the events in the beginning, and gives you a clear name for the possessed form of the humans: “Deadites”. Overall, I give this a 8.5 out of 10. It’s okay, but not perfect.

One Year Gone: How I lived since my suicide attempt

By Lindsey Tess Medwin
Contributing Writer

You’d like to say that it was an immediate wake-up call. That things immediately took an upward turn because you realized how “valuable” your life was and “how lucky” you were to be alive. But that isn’t true. In fact, life got a hell of a lot worse after. Intensive therapy almost everyday for hours. Labeled with conditions you barely understand and prescribed a cocktail of medications you can hardly pronounce the names of. Learning coping skills and mindfulness and all these other therapeutic ways to deal with your problems and past.

You try to kill yourself and all the sudden the world expects you to devote every second of everyday to wanting to live when just a week earlier you made a clear decision to die.

The transition back to reality is far from easy. You expect so much out of yourself and, mindlessly, expect a lot of those around you. Especially those who are closest.

But for some reason- you do it. You drag yourself out of bed and swallow your morning meds. You ignore the voices in your head telling you to give up and that there’s no point. You fight through the crippling anxiety that stopped you from going to work, seeing your friends and even leaving house most days. You just go.

And at first you don’t do it for yourself. You can’t even really explain why you’re doing it. Maybe it’s for your friends or for the loved ones around you because you don’t want to let them down again. Maybe it’s to pass the time since you can’t work or go to school. Maybe it’s because you have nothing left to lose.

It’s never easy and it’s definitely never something you’re prepared for. Talking about the darkest parts of your soul and memories for the first time in your entire life and opening up about things you’ve pushed down for years. That’s never easy.

And yet, you start to find some type of comfort in it. Despite sitting at a table surrounded by strangers, opening up seems safe. There truly is a lack of judgement and a universal upstanding for the pain and suffering you all share. And for the first time in your entire life, you stop feeling so alone.

As the weeks and months go by, you start to develop a sense of self again. And though you are miles away from where you want to be, the fact that you want to be anywhere and have some sort of drive again gives you so much relief. You want to be a better you. A healthier, happier, successful you. You want to be alive.

The journey isn’t over though.

The transition back to reality is far from easy. You expect so much out of yourself and, mindlessly, expect a lot of those around you. Especially those who are closest. You develop an unhealthy dependency and attachment and it makes you question where your happiness is really derived from. You are so caught up in the idea of having hope again and the eagerness for things to go back to normal, that you overlook the toxicity still surrounding you.

Eventually you realize it’s this remaining element of darkness that is holding you both back from true happiness and prosperity.

And while you do your best to prepare as the survivor you are, no one could ever be ready for the person you loved to leave you.

But by that point you’ve come too far. So, with the comfort, care and concern of those around you, who immediately come through, you let go of the shock and sadness and begin working to overcome this.

And it’s during this time of desperation and vulnerability that you realize who’s there for you when you really need it.

And you accept that you always be grateful to this heartbreaking loss, for it gifted you the greatest friend you’ll ever know.

And soon after, you take a chance on an opportunity that gifts you stability. And while that’s all it was initially, this opportunity also surrounds you with an incredible group of people you never expected to love so deeply.

And from there, you really start to grow.

You are no longer consumed with your anxiety or depression or post-traumatic-stress-disorder. You are no longer fixated on survival. You are no longer seeking approval from partners or from your past.

You’re finally at peace.

And while there is so much more for you to learn, that’s all you could really ask for.

And suddenly, it’s been a year since your suicide attempt. And you can honestly say you have never been happier.

Before transferring out, consider your purpose in college

By Elena Hooper
Opinion Editor

As the semester begins to draw to a close and the promise hot, sunny days, pool parties, and lazy afternoons on the porch keep us hopeful during the dreary fog of spring, I’m sure quite a few of us are already gearing up to take summer classes or even transfer to a four-year school. Summer if often a time to get the small stuff done, like Gen. Ed. classes or transcript reviews, so that the bigger, more important moves in our educational career can run smoothly. What many of you might not stop to consider what is actually quite a pivotal question; Why, exactly, are you going to college? You may think you know the answer to that, but have you really given it a proper thought? I’d like to explain why pondering this question is actually worth your time and a crucial deciding factor to your future and life satisfaction.

In American society for at least forty years now, it’s customary that when we reach the end of our time in high school, we begin our search for colleges, far and wide, that provide a plethora of degree programs that we’re not sure if we’re even interested in to begin with. Most of us barely make up our minds about how we feel about ourselves and yet are essentially thrust into a situation that is completely beyond the maturity we’re capable of and out of our emotional and executive functioning depth. But we do it because it is our condition, and we make do, and a good portion of us come out on the other side relatively unscathed.

It would be easy to overlook our real motivations for pursuing a college degree as it is programmed into us from a very young age. We often see it as a means to an end and as the narrow path that leads us from one stage of life to another. It’s seen as normal and in some cases, even obligatory, to go to college in the United States, and those who do not participate are often seen as slackers.

Now I’m sure there are many people who go to college because they want to and they thrive in such an academic environment, but the opposite is true for many as well. There are often many people who feel a sense of duty to go to college, despite having little interest in it, and struggle semester after semester to keep their grades high enough so that they are not expelled, even if they put a sufficient amount of work into their studies.

The truth of the matter is: college is not easy, and it’s meant to be that way. For many hundreds of years, university was attended by the elite and only the elite who were pursuing the study of the arts and sciences. It was meant to be a rigorous endeavor that tested your mind and your values. It was meant to challenge you as much as possible and to expose you  many different perspectives. When one attended university, it was because he was in the pursuit of knowledge; he was there to learn. He was there to understand. Much of that, I believe, has been lost now in recent years due to the urgency and necessity placed on us to get that “perfect” white collar job. To that I say: nonsense. College is not a means to an end. It is meant to be an experience of knowledge where the process of it all outweighs the end product. But people cease to really learn or understand anything if they are only there to take a test. If they only want to memorize and not actually comprehend the information they’re being taught. This is not completely college students’ fault, however, as the education we received prior to coming to university was constructed the same way. Information itself has little value, only your ability to spit it back out for a test is what matters, and that is a truly poisonous idea.

So if the current state of postsecondary education is frustrating you like it’s frustrating me, you might be itching for a solution. Truthfully, the ideal solution would be for our overall culture to realign its values and work ethic with what people are capable of, not what we force them to do, but that’s going to take much longer to fix itself than the smaller decisions I’m going to suggest one could make. This may worry you as you’ve probably been told many times that the only way to have a happy life is if you go to college. This is also nonsense, you’ll just have to do a little digging.

For those who find themselves in a constant struggle with their postsecondary education and can’t seem to feel secure in a college environment no matter how hard they try, it might be time to reconsider the path your on. It might be difficult to accept that if you’ve been to a few different universities already or have been at the two-year level for quite awhile now, then university might not be for you, and that’s okay. So if that is the case, you might be wondering what your options are. You might be surprised at just how many careers are out there that don’t require a four-year degree. For example, construction and building inspectors made an approximate median annual salary of $59,000 but only need a high school diploma or equivalent and five years of work in a related occupation, according to the Bureau of Labor and Statistics which says that the field is expected to grow 10 percent by 2026. Also, elevator inspectors and repairers made an approximate median annual salary of $79,000 in a field expected to grow. But these are only a few examples of the wide array of careers you have to choose from.

Keep in mind that the foundation from which you build your career should be based on strong skills you have, not what you’re passionate about, and not what’s going to make you the most money. It may turn out that your passion is also a strong skill you have that can be easily marketable, but that is often not the case. True satisfaction in career comes from what you’re good at, but you should also enjoy what you do in the process. And if you struggle to identify what skills you have, then there are plenty of legitimate online quizzes to choose from that can help you in that process, or for even better results, you can even see career counselors including those at CCM’s Office of Career Services in CH 203. There are many two-year degrees, certification programs, apprenticeships, and vocational and technical programs that utilize the skills of those who may not have a knack for the scholarly but for the practical and hands-on. It is just as honest of a living than if you pursued a four, six, or even eight-year degree.

Now of course there are many people who pursue the scholarly, who pursue the white collar jobs, because they genuinely want to and it’s what they’re good at. There are also many people who come from poor or immigrant families who go to university to have a better life than what their parents had, and that is also valid. But where it becomes a problem is when people feel an obligation to go to university instead of a motivation. They don’t feel any reason to be there other than it’s what they’ve been told to do, but there is nothing wrong with not liking a university environment as it’s a very difficult environment for people to be in. It’s supposed to be like that.

So as the summer draws near, remember to really get in tune with yourself. Ask yourself what you want out of a university education, if anything at all. Are you there (or going there) because it’s a comfortable environment for you? Because you enjoy the challenge and the results you get from those challenges? Or are you going because it’s what you were told to do? Because it’s what everyone does? Or just because you want to make a lot of money? If your answers are the latter four, then maybe it’s time to look into other options. If you’ve been struggling for a while now to make ends meet in your university career and you feel like you’ve reached a dead end, just know that there is hope for a better future; it’s just not there. There’s just as much value in a career that’s vocational or technical as there is in an educated one. Being honest with what you want is much more likely to guarantee you satisfaction in life than trying to please others expectations.

Not functioning well in an academic environment doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with you, or that you’re stupid, it just means that it’s not right for you, and you can find happiness and security in a career that doesn’t require such education. It’s true that you won’t make as much income than if you did have a university education, but if the only place you derive satisfaction from in life is how much money you make, then you will always feel dissatisfied. You’re not going to find joy in life by being complacent or from being able to own a mansion with a fancy car but from how productive and useful you feel and feeling like you’re working to your highest potential. Utilizing our skills and feeling like we’re making a difference, no matter how prestigious the job, is what’s important. A university education is not the only way to feel that, so I want you to consider this very important question: Why do you want to go to university?

Opinion: Peter Rabbit’ hints at our society’s larger allergy ignorance problem

By Alexa Wyszkowski
Layout Editor

Sony has apologized after receiving well-deserved criticism by the food allergy awareness community since February when one of its animated movies premiered mocking allergic individuals.


Photo Courtesy of: Facebook

The Tale of Peter Rabbit, a story that originated from the famous writer, illustrator, and scientist, Beatrix Potter, was recently turned into the “children’s” movie Peter Rabbit released Friday, Feb. 9, and on the same day, there were already complaints.

In the movie, there are two scenes involving food allergies; the first is where the lead character Peter Rabbit, played by James Corden, is mocking the other main character Mr. McGregor, played by Domhnall Gleeson, about his allergy to blackberries, saying that allergies are made up for attention. The second is where Peter and his family are intentionally throwing Mr. McGregor’s food allergens at him, aiming for his mouth to kill him. The organization Kids with Food Allergies, a division of the Asthma and Allergy Foundation of America, posted immediately on their website and Facebook page about how the movie makes light of food allergies, emphasizing food allergy bullying, saying that the movie does not show the serious danger of allergic reactions. Another organization, Food Allergy Research and Education posted a parental advisement statement stating that the scene where the character is targeted with his allergens in the movie may be upsetting for children to watch.

When Mr. McGregor experiences a reaction, in this twisted version of a classic storybook tale, Peter and his family want Mr. McGregor’s garden themselves, and believed their only way to get the garden is to kill off Mr. McGregor. At the same time, Mr. McGregor wants to get rid of the rabbits and threatens to kill and eat them. As they battle back and forth, the scenes become more violent but somehow still seem to have a comical feel to them until Sony Pictures simply goes too far. When Peter and his family start to pelt Mr. McGregor with blackberries, one of the rabbits states it’s a “clever idea” and they encourage each other to aim for his mouth. Once they get a blackberry into his mouth he then has an allergic reaction. As a result, Mr. McGregor’s throat starts to close up, he kneels to the ground, and then pulls out an Epi-Pen and stabs himself in the front of r his upper leg. Then he gets up several seconds later, acting perfectly fine, where in reality he should have been taken to the hospital for further treatment.

According to Food Allergy Research and Education, food allergies are a life-threatening medical condition that affect about 15 million Americans. One out of 13 children have a food allergy. Any person can develop one at any point in their lifetime. Food allergies are caused within the immune system, instead of protecting the body from harmful bacteria and viruses the immune system overreacts to a food protein. Every time the body is exposed to the food protein, an allergic reaction occurs which can range from mild, to severe, to life threatening. An allergic reaction that is life-threatening is called Anaphylaxis, which can include symptoms such as difficulty breathing and reduced blood pressure. A person experiencing Anaphylaxis must be given Epinephrine, which is used to help reverse the symptoms.  Once administered, that person must taken to a hospital immediately for additional medical assistance. A delay of just 30 minutes could result in death. To prevent any type of allergic reaction, people with food allergies should avoid their allergens and carry Epinephrine, which is commonly known and sold as an Epipen.

Children and adults that live with food allergies may often have anxiety about having an allergic reaction, and many times are left out of common activities due to fear and misunderstanding by those around them. By having Peter target and attack Mr. McGregor with his food allergens in this movie, children may now be even more scared that others may use their food allergy against them. During Mr. McGregor’s reaction, he stabs himself in the wrong place for the Epipen to work properly; it must be administered in the middle of the outer thigh and held for ten seconds. Since Mr. McGregor seemed fine after his allergic reaction, the seriousness of the situation is not explained, and others may not realize that by exposing someone’s allergen to them, they could potentially kill them.

Harshly, this type of harassment is not exclusive to fictional movies. According to the Washington Post, three girls in Pennsylvania planned an attack during school on another girl allergic to pineapple. The girls knew about her allergy, put pineapple juice on their hands and then high fived the girl who was allergic during the lunch period. The girl had a reaction and had to go to the hospital for treatment. The three girls who took part in this attack are facing criminal charges since not only were they bullies, but they physically harmed the girl and could have even killed her. The kind of cruelty in the movie mirrors that of instances like this, and when marketed toward children, it can create misunderstanding of an important issue to an impressionable audience.

In an earlier scene, Mr. McGregor mentions his allergy to another character when he is offered a drink with blackberries in it. Peter responds to Mr. McGregor’s comment as if having food allergies is just an excuse or made up for attention, when really it is a serious, life threatening condition. When Peter later uses this information against Mr. McGregor, the end result is extremely vicious and very similar to the case with the girl allergic to pineapple. Those with food allergies should be able to feel safe about sharing their condition, so in case of an allergic reaction, others will have the knowledge to help them, not hurt them.

Sony Pictures released an apology on Monday, Feb. 12 saying, “Food allergies are a serious issue. Our film should not have made light of ‘Peter Rabbit’s’ arch nemesis, Mr. McGregor, being allergic to blackberries, even in a cartoonish, slapstick way. We sincerely regret not being more aware and sensitive to this issue, and we truly apologize.” The next day, Food Allergy Research and Education released another statement saying, “We are appreciative that Sony Pictures issued an apology for the ‘Peter Rabbit’ scene. But we call on all filmmakers and screenwriters to work with food allergy advocates to treat food allergies responsibly, realistically and sensitively in entertainment media.” As a result of the movie, the members of the food allergy community sincerely hope that people learn and understand that food allergies should be taken seriously and not be used as a way to purposefully harm someone.

Opinion: Don’t let your desire for productivity prevent you from self-care

By Elena Hooper
Opinion Editor

As college students, I’m sure we’re no strangers to experiencing stress and anxiety. With the multitude of responsibilities that many of us take on like school, a job, family matters, and social relationships, we’re often left feeling burnt out, on edge, and like we have absolutely no time for ourselves. And sometimes, we can get a high from being so busy since we feel like we’re being productive all the time. It can give us a sense of purpose and make us feel like we’re striving for our goals, giving us a better future.

Often, this idea comes from the culture that surrounds us, and it’s no secret that the U.S. has a very strenuous work ethic. We get caught up in this idea from a young age that any idle moment is time wasted, and time wasted wastes out potential and can ultimately make us failures. This then causes us to want to spend every free moment doing something that we deem as “productive” so that we may fit this work ethic mold to make ourselves feel good and to receive praise from our peers, friends, and family. But at what cost?

According to a 2015 study by the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, 85 percent of college students report feeling overwhelmed by their responsibilities within the past year. On its website, the ADAA says, “College students can easily feel anxious trying to balance school, work, friends and family while also trying to figure out the rest of their lives. Anxiety disorders are one of the most common mental health problems on college campuses.”

You see, when we subscribe to this very strenuous work ethic, we are also subscribing to the idea that time to ourselves is time wasted. We often feel that we need to jump on every opportunity to do something, anything, as long as it feels “productive.” This can be a very harmful idea to embrace as this suggests that time to ourselves is not productive. But to think even deeper about the concept of being “productive,” the work ethic would suggest that we need to be productive as much as possible at all times and to forgo relaxation in favor of production since relaxation is seen as having no real “production” value.

The issue with this is that there’s a heavy emphasis on production and very little emphasis on comfort. Often, we are expected to be as productive as possible while needing as little comfort as possible, but trying to circumvent comfort to go straight to production ends up leaving a lot of people feeling like they’ve failed. You see, if you’re not comforted first, then being productive is out of the question. Trying to push yourself to be creative, imaginative, engineering, or visionary is not going to happen without a stable support system of people and activities you feel safe and secure in. You need to feel safe and content before you can do anything great, and trying to forgo this comfort in favor of productivity will more likely than not leave you miserable and drained. Comfort has to be the foundation on which we stand to give us support and understanding, two things which very few people can achieve much without.

Desiring time to ourselves can feel shameful for us since the culture we live in dictates that we must want to seize every opportunity we can to be out doing something, making something of ourselves. But what if we’re just too tired? What if we need some peace and quiet? What if we’re just naturally introverted? All of these things are often unacceptable to the people around us, and at the very least, not understood. We are often told that we just need to “do something,” and we’ll feel better, or we’re just not pushing ourselves hard enough, or we’re just being too sensitive. All of these ideas discredit the very real turmoil many people feel from anxiety and stress caused by this cultural norm. Not taking these feelings seriously can leave many people feeling isolated.

So how can this issue be solved? For one thing,  people should open to the idea of unapologetic self care and start to realize that having time to yourself and treating yourself with care and sensitivity is okay and that self care is a vital part of having stable mental health. For those still struggling to be open and honest about their need for self care and maybe need some help figuring out where to start; beginning with what self care habits work for you is a good place. Some examples of self care include taking baths, listening to music, going for walks, journaling, collaging, and having one-on-one time with a close friend (not a large group of friends).

Not all of these will work for everyone; the key is finding what works for you and that could be anything you like. Also, learn to be firmer with your boundaries; if you know you’ve already reached your maximum capacity for work and socializing for that day or week, don’t be afraid to say no to things or people that try to overreach that boundary. If at that moment you know all that you need is time to yourself, take assurance in the fact that there will always be a next time and that those in your life that truly understand your situation will stick around. But if at any time you feel that your anxiety and stress is too much to handle is making you feel out of control or is significantly affecting your life in any way, please make sure to seek professional help if you can. You don’t have to go through something that difficult alone.

Learning to accept that we all have thresholds for stress and listening to our bodies and minds when we’ve reached those thresholds is crucial for our mental health. Saying no to things when we know we’ve reached our limit is not a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of a healthy and balanced mind. Knowing how to take care of ourselves and allowing time for that can lead us to living more productive and stable lives. We can educate ourselves on the subject and learn to become better advocates for ourselves and other people who need it. We can’t be productive members of society without first being comforted members of society.

Seven fun, creative ways to spend Valentine’s Day

By Michelle Mardis

Valentine’s Day is about celebrating your loved ones. Contrary to popular belief, you do not need a significant other on Valentine’s Day to have fun. Here are some ways that you can have fun while single or in a relationship on Valentine’s Day.

  1. The Five Dollar Date

Photo courtesy of Facebook

Take your friends to the dollar store. Everyone gets to pick out five things, and when you’re done, you make a date out of it! This can be a fun time to create memories with your friends without having to overthink about impressing someone. A piece of your personality will show with this fun idea for you and your friends.

If you are in a relationship, take this time to get to know the other person. Trust me, you can learn a lot of things about a person based on what they choose. It may seem surprising, but it’s a fun and quirky way to get to know a person.

2.The Build-A-Bear Date


Photo courtesy of Facebook

Make a bear with your friends! You can even personalize it by adding a voice, heartbeat and/or a scent. You and your friends will feel like you are reliving childhood with your new furry friend! There are so many options to choose from, and this will make lasting memories.

In a relationship and want a personalized date? Look no further; this date idea will allow you to get to know how well your personalities match. Are you looking for someone who wants to do quirky dates with you or someone more serious? This date will show what side your significant other is on.

3.The Typical Dinner and a Movie Date


Photo courtesy of Facebook

Have you and your friends been dying to see that new movie that just came out? Make it a group outing with a nice dinner on the side. There is no harm in going to dinner and a movie with some good friends.

In a relationship? I highly recommend avoiding this date as a first one. Half of the date will lack getting to know one another since you will be sitting in a quiet theater. Maybe use this as a second or third date if things went well on the first.

4..The Roller Skating Date


Photo courtesy of Facebook

You and your friends will laugh together when one of you falls (which is bound to happen). This is a fun way to create memories with your friends that will last a lifetime. It’s not only inexpensive but fun as well. Most places give you two hours of open skate per session.

Get to know your significant other by watching each other fail to skate or skate to impress. You will be able to really get to know each other through skating. This is a chance to be vulnerable around your significant other. By trying something new, you are showing an adventurous side.

5. The Bowling Date

Are you the competitive type? If so, this is the time for you to shine. Having your friends join you for some competitive fun can be both exhausting and a great time. Create funny names on the computer that will show your score and just lay back and have fun.


Photo courtesy of Facebook

In a relationship and looking for something both active and fun to do? Bowling is one of the best dates for those active couples. It’s a nice time to talk and spend time together without many distractions. Many bowling places also have laser tag so you would be getting a two in one date.

6. The Disney/Brand Themed Date


Photo courtesy of Facebook

You can replace Disney with anything you’d like. This is kind of like the dollar store date except you will have a specific theme to it. Go to Party City and have all of your friends pitch in for a few things related to your theme and throw a party. Have each person in your friend group invite one to two people and enjoy Valentine’s Day with friends.

As for a date, find something that you are both passionate about and create a night out of it. Head over to party city and pick out some themed items, such as a Disney tablecloth, and make a sweet date out of it. For example, you could use the Disney tablecloth to set up a romantic dinner or decorate your room. There are so many possibilities for this date.

7. The Stay-at-Home Date


Photo courtesy of Facebook

Invite your friends over and enjoy a night of movies, popcorn, and fun. You can play games just like you did when you were younger. It is a great way to reconnect with old friends.

Do you not have a lot of money to go out? If this is the case, stay in and cuddle up with your loved one. You can enjoy a candle-lit dinner or even watch a movie together.

Valentine’s Day is about appreciating the loved ones in your life. We can turn Valentine’s Day into a day to remember by picking the right people to spend it with. That right person does not have to be a significant other. I hope everyone has a happy and fun Valentine’s Day!

SATIRE: Academic advisors admit some students should just give up

By John Dumm
Satire Editor

Dean Patrick Starr, as part of a schedule of miscellaneous do-goodery, hosted a Spring Semester Advisory Event in the County College of Morris student lounge Wednesday, Jan. 10, looking to grant guidance and approval for the course selections of late registrants for the semester and ensure the smooth re-integration of the entire student body into academic life as per normal.

In a brutal, if not surprising, turn of events, the event failed miserably, opening with Starr attempting to demonstrate course-curation on a sample WebAdvisor account, leading to mass panic and depression within the conference room as he found that literally every course offered by CCM had already been filled.

In the wake of this event, advisory staff were consulted to compile a more thorough and well-researched plan for dodging the potential embarrassment and anomie associated with a skipped semester

Advisor Apera Osunniyi (Art Futurology) recommends students take advantage of this period of relatively light obligations and clear scheduling by taking a step back, re-evaluating the stressors in their lives, and seeking more fulfilling ways to occupy themselves, such as auditing literally every class that sounds remotely interesting, usually by pretending to be the delinquent guy who never shows up and spends every class asleep. Advisor Eric Manny (Applied Eschatology) suggests an advanced technique, similar to the above; students unable to enroll in classes at CCM itself should take advantage of our generous degree transferability programs, usually intended to be enacted after you complete your two-year CCM tenure, yes, but with sufficient abuse of either special pleading, nepotism, or the advanced (and recurring) CompSci technique of “Reverse Buellering” yourself into class registries, you can complete your degree at Rutgers University and take it with you when you go to Rutgers earlier that year, shaving up to six months off your Ph. D run and breaking the event flag for graduation, letting you collect infinite associate’s degrees in your starting field. Exploit only works for degrees that lead to doctorates in Theoretical Physics.

For freshmen and other young students who cannot speedrun their degrees at Rutgers et al., Manny recommends attempting to re-integrate in your old high school, leveraging your Legitimate College Experience to get placements in AP classes and “educationally slingshot” into a scholarship qualification, or another college entirely, such as Rutgers, the only school that hasn’t patched Sloppy Bureaucratic Time Travel.

Advisor Anderson Graham (Militarized Psychiatry) takes a more traditional approach to unofficial collegiate education: apprenticing yourself to a native denizen of the Game Room, learning their trade directly (Graham recommends a Guilty Gear player) and either offering to help them take notes and study in class, rummaging through their notebook when they’re in the bathroom, or devoting your entire being to video games and winning their brain and/or soul from them in a Shadow Duel. Graham recommends you not think too hard about the existential fate of the Gameroomer banished to a timeless umbral prison realm in this process. The Philosophy department has published reams of workable arguments that game room residents are not technically real people, and cannot feel pain.

Advisor Aidan Fitzgerald (High-Energy Industrial Sociology) has come forth as promoting perhaps the most practical and responsible response thus far, and has offered to elaborate personally.

“It is of course absolutely, literally vital to the CCM community that you stay enrolled in at least some classes so you at least have an illusion of … productivity,” said Fitzgerald, insisting to Youngtown reporters that they deliberately emphasize the pause with ellipses. “Just about everyone on campus is a valued member of the community who contributes to overall campus thrival both academically and socially, no matter how much they may believe otherwise about themselves. However, certain factions on campus: campus security, the theatre department, the LGBT Ministry, the shadow government supposedly run by the Student Government Association but in actuality engineered entirely by SEGO, have compiled criteria for named exceptions to the above statement. Absolute annoyances with no real academic future and a known track record of student and staff harassment et cetera, that nonetheless managed to clog up the class system anyway!”

Fitzgerald proceeded to insist we make editorial note of his pushing his glasses up and steepling his fingers before he proceeded.

“If someone were to find a way to remove these elements, they could detoxify the school’s social pool and bump the waitlists on mostly engineering courses in one fell swoop,” Fitzgerald said. “And, of course, if you happen to be on the waitlists at the time.”

At the Youngtown editing team’s behest, he added a disclaimer against the reprehensible act of actually harming fellow students for personal gain.

“Now, of course, the consequences for actually committing murder are catastrophic, Fitzgerald said. “However, all is not lost. SEGO has connections to the Game Room, and the Game Room itself is inhabited by people more like the Predator than actual people, per se. They’ll aid your righteous quest for character slots in exchange for literal sandwiches, and have dedicated so much of their memory to the muscular pretzelling required by old-school fighting games that they are mentally incapable of ratting you out!”

EDITORIAL: Start your semester right by getting involved

Headed into its 50th anniversary, County College of Morris still sets out to defy stereotypes of a community college by giving its students even more individual and communal opportunities outside of the classroom this semester. Now, it’s our job to take advantage of them.

While it’s rather easy to get caught up in the frantic nature  of a new semester, with a sea of syllabi filling up our free time and the weight of textbooks dragging us down, it’s important to let ourselves, as students, engage in the community around us on campus.

It’s only January, and there are already plenty of activities you can take part of. The Student Activities Programming Board will host its semesterly Welcome Back Bash at 11 a.m. Tuesday, Jan. 30 in the Student Community Center where students can meet club leaders and get a feel for which clubs suit their interests. Some other upcoming events are SAPB’s Valentine’s Day Teddy Bear Factory at 12:30 p.m. Tuesday, Feb. 13 in the SCC, the New Social Engine’s Wing Eating Contest at 3:30 p.m. Tuesday, Feb. 20 in the SCC, and the Black Student Union’s Black History Month Art Show at 11 a.m. Tuesday, Feb. 27 in the SCC.

The school already planned out a Passport Day in April where the CCM community will get the chance to obtain passports through Morris County. In addition, students can take part in numerous social events like a Roller Skating Party from NSE a Comedy-Magic Show from the SAPB, and a performance of the musical Follies.

This is just a taste of how much is in store for us this semester, with various clubs, such as the recently reinstated Student Government Association, and committees constantly hosting events on and off campus.

These events exhibit the hard work and effort that goes into raising the standards of this college each and every semester. Preparation from both faculty and fellow students for the musical alone begins the very first day of the semester.

With that being said, none of these efforts mean anything without the participation and activism from the study body. Simply attending a show or even joining a club contributes to the great cause of continuing to make this college a better place.

This college doesn’t have to just be a place where you rush through your two years and move on “to somewhere better.” You’re allowed and encouraged to reap the benefits in exploring the opportunity that this school has for students to grow, as individuals and a community.

Five class registration tips from a CCM graduate

By Gina N. Fico
Staff Writer

It is that time already: registration for the spring 2018 semester. Registration can be a stressful time for many students for various reasons. Anticipation for graduation and work conflicts are leading concerns for students while selecting classes. The five following tips will help students to have a more fulfilling experience at County College of Morris.

  1. Choose how many days a week works best for you.

I cannot explain enough how going to CCM less than five days a week has benefited my college experience. Some students work better by getting all their classes done by only coming to campus two or three times a week. It makes going to school seem less mundane and provides them with more time to catch up with their studies and/or work. However, other students may find these long days tiring and may benefit from spreading their classes throughout the week. Whatever works for you, pursue it. It will really help with your outlook on school.

  1. Keep in mind certain courses are available only in certain semesters.

I graduated as a journalism student in spring after starting in fall 2014, and now, I am back for a media technology certificate. There were two classes in the journalism program that I remember having to take in certain semesters. Advanced journalism only ran in the fall, and editing and publication design only ran in the spring. It is important to be aware of this especially for students who have plans for gradation for a certain date. Make sure to keep in contact with your advisor about this this issue.

  1. Don’t wait too long.

I understand this one is very cliche, and you will hear it over and over again. But you can’t have a list of class registration tips without it. You wouldn’t believe how quickly classes, especially high demand classes like the remedial writing skills class, fill up. Get to signing up for classes as quickly as you can, and always keep in mind there is a deadline. Understand what this deadline means to avoid an extra charge or worst being denied to sign up for classes for the semester.

  1. Build strong relations with your advisor

Advisors are available to provide students with answers for selecting the right classes for the upcoming semester. Don’t fall in into the habit of just getting cleared by your advisor. Ask questions, and find out what classes will benefit you the most academically and eventually, professionally, and keep up to date on understanding transfer plans. It is also important to have good communication skills with your advisor about any stress or concerns you have about upcoming classes you are required to take.

  1. Don’t race your degree completion

It is always rewarding to quickly move on to the next planned chapters of life. However, do not stress yourself about finishing your degree in a certain amount of time. Remember to always to keep in mind the quality over quantity rule with education. If you cannot handle a heavy course load for any reason, limit yourself to how many classes you plan on taking. Don’t feel pressured to keep up with your classmates or friends to finish a degree.

I hope these five tips will ease the experience of registration. It can be difficult and frustrating at times, but these five aspects have helped me select the right classes and get the most out of my education at CCM. I wish all CCM student the best for the spring 2018 semester.

SATIRE: Students annex abandoned A&P

Uprising over new vending machines led to destruction of Student Center

By John Dumm

The Student Community Center cafeteria has been named a demilitarized zone by the department of public safety because almost no human has stepped foot in there since the fall semester began. The only known human activity occurred when approximately 40 students have been estimated to have taken part in a spontaneous act of vandalism Wednesday, August 30 upon discovery of vending machines completely replacing hot meal options there, according to a public safety report.

As of July 2017, the Student Community Center cafeteria has been closed down for renovations, with no word from either staff or summer students on plans for the renovation inspiring rioting and spiking depression diagnosis rates as of August 30, as renovation seems to have ceased with the cafeteria in a completely inoperable, presumably condemned state.

“The place is completely dead, nothing but chairs anymore,” reports psychology student, CCM culinary economist, and noted chair enthusiast Matthew Bristol. “They walled up the debris from the last good eatery on campus, slapped down about seven vending machines, didn’t even bother filling them all — really, it’s an impressively, extravagantly, horrible remodel. It took genuine effort to disrespect the memory of the A-Caf this badly.”

A postmortem survey of the accessibility, affordability, and public knowledge of alternative restaurants reveals dire news and solid cause for the student exodus that has been rounding the rumor mills since the fall student influx.

“It’s like the architects got confused and figured the game room was a ritual-crafted portal to the Ledgewood Mall,” Bristol said. “The Cohen Cafe rework was by all reports a success, clean aesthetic, same friendly staff, new burgers, but the new burgers are the only viable option, and they cost eight bucks a pop- that’s just under eight individual dollar menu items at the Ledgewood chain restaurants, and about the price of a full meal at most of the Ledgewood specialties and the A&P district restaurants. That’s eight burgers per burger, people. If we’re getting gouged that hard, I want the option to order my meat medium rare. Or at the very least with an egg on it, or some other ridiculous, obtuse ingredient.”

Moe Che Sanders, a student who spends most of his time on campus in the video game room, said that he was baffled by what looks like deliberate support of the proto-socialist game room commune that has sprung up since the change.

“They’re even doing promotional discounts for Ledgewood restaurants, which is I suppose a direct subsidy to any students using this as an ersatz lab course in the Economics of Smuggling 101,” said Sanders, who insists that he is a smuggling major despite no such a program existing.

With regards to the A&P district restaurants: China City, Cluck U Chicken, and Scalici’s Pizzeria as of last survey their cheap prices, relatively high-quality food, and convenient location three minutes from Parking Lot One has sparked an almost total shift in the eating habits of all three main demographics of the SCC, Game Room, Pong Room, and Chair Enthusiasts, respectively.

“An actual relocation of the SCC is obviously completely unfeasible,” said frequent Ping Pong Room occupant Lizzy Pierre, toting a complex locational survey helpfully compiled by anonymous business and architecture students as part of an organized complaint to the dean. “Half the value of the place is that it’s an average ten-minute walk from every classroom on campus, and Lot One is already beyond feasible walking distance of the school’s main commuter hub- which is, paradoxically, the current SCC. Nonetheless, the A&P block is so close by car and fulfills so many of the community’s demands- Chinese food, Sportsbar food, Pizza food, there’s a card game shop down the way- next to, I think, a Thai food place and another pizza food- that the SCC regulars have established a kind of forward base there. The A&P itself, is, of course, derelict, which is where this ridiculous relocation idea came from.”

Pierre advises students affected by the teardown to pool their resources with the rest of the SCC community’s attempts to cope, contributing to the bizarre merchant commune formed around people with large cars and open schedules, contacting the musical theater department about their night-bombing and hostage raids on the culinary classrooms behind the primary conference room, or even just joining a support group and going on a diet now that Frosties are expensive again.