By John Dumm
In celebration of this year being the 50th anniversary of County College of Morris, the groundskeeping staff have prepared for, and enacted the protocols for unsealing a time capsule embedded outside the Learning Resource Center during CCM’s 15th year of operation in 1983 as a testament to the college’s vibrant student culture and dogged dedication to the education of its base.
To the surprise of everyone, the capsule’s location secretly had all of the proper functions of a Cold War-era nuclear bunker; students, administrators, faculty, and the
According to the account of the groundskeepers on the scene:
“The time capsule was buried in probably the single most memorable locale on campus: that patch outside the LRC with that woodchuck, wossname, right next to his burrow, actually,” said groundskeeper Jay Jamie. “Let’s check for spring snowfall and unknowable horrors shunted by the trustees of old onto hapless future collegiates at the same time. So far, all we found was a bit of a radon leak. Woodchuck started going to classes three years ago, actually. Radioactive gas made his brain huge, now he studies philosophy.”
Asked about the exemplary-looking physique of the groundhog, another groundskeeper Mark Plyers clarified:
“Well, I mean, most of the real big brain mammals are taking Nonlinear Journalism and internships in SEGO, so he’s smarter than the geese, though.”
A nearby goose, asked for comment, proceeded to chase this aforequoted groundskeeper into the LRC, accompanied by several painful yelps.
As of 2:31 a.m. Tuesday, Oct. 2, the operation to unearth the capsule hit a major snag- namely, the reveal that the capsule itself was merely a locking component for a door-mechanism 15 feet in diameter, connecting to a compound “about the same width and length as the LRC, twice as tall, but upside-down.” Cryptographers were able to decipher inscriptions on the main door as being written in plain American English, heavily obscured by mud, and translating roughly to:
“Seal-N-Safe Va(smudged)ec Vault 126- Open in case of Livable Radiation Conditions”
Given that the standard issue Geiger counters provided the groundskeeping staff only triggered in the direct vicinity of the vault, permissions were given to open it, beginning a short investigation into the depths of Vault 126. A sticky note was found on the inside of the initial bulkhead door, reading- ‘CCM Emergency Student Body Cryofreezer- 2,000 freshmen, 2,000 sophomore, 500 Associate’s Qualified, 250 Professor, 1 Insufferable Randy’.
As of 6:00 a.m. on Tuesday, Oct. 2nd, a critical mishap, described by groundskeepers as ‘leaning on a control panel’, led to the simultaneous unfreezing and release of all personnel within Vault 126, as well as the concurrent hijacking of the CCM intercom system to loop John Denver’s cult hit “Take Me Home Country Roads” for the entire duration of the incident, resolved by 8:30 that morning.
“Literally no one not at imminent risk of a cold war-related nuclear death has ever taken this much interest in a country song, it’s insane,” Jamie said. “In fact, we have reason to suspect that this song didn’t exist outside the vault until now- it was written in there, recorded in there, and piped out exclusively to celebrate the opening of the vault.”
As for the students, I managed to coerce a majority of them into helping drain the unfrozen cryo-racks- thawing everyone at once flooded the dang place. Furthermore, the Youngtown Satirical Research Team managed to set up a ramshackle apartment complex at the Agricultural building- we’re trying to convince the frozen teachers that they’re adjuncts who live there, now. Accepting the few that are coming uncomfortably close to cracking the Confidential Postgraduate Program Hallucinogen Nursery/Warehouse, we should have every student involved- save, unfortunately, the Insufferable Randy- safely cordoned functionally off-campus, at least until their integration to the school can be handled more safely. Was really tricky, getting those Qualifieds’ credits in n-spatial mechanics transferred to Rutgers in the wake of Emeriti Hall, but there should be no interruptions in the average student’s schedule.”
As of last report, a stray thawed freshman was seen breaking down in front of the Bursar’s office, holding up the line after failing to pay his 5-class tuition with his share of the vault-stashed scholarship trust: approximately $20 and a glass bottle of Coca-Cola.
The groundhog remains safe from the flooding/radon leak, although the country music seems to have scared him over to the Health and Physical Education building.