John Dumm

SATIRE: Time Capsule from 1983 Revealed to be Nuclear Fallout Bunker

By John Dumm
Satire Editor

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An oddly suspicious formation is painted on CCM’s lawn. Photo by: Nachi Allah

In celebration of this year being the 50th anniversary of County College of Morris, the groundskeeping staff have prepared for, and enacted the protocols for unsealing a time capsule embedded outside the Learning Resource Center during CCM’s 15th year of operation in 1983 as a testament to the college’s vibrant student culture and dogged dedication to the education of its base.

To the surprise of everyone, the capsule’s location secretly had all of the proper functions of a Cold War-era nuclear bunker; students, administrators, faculty, and the

According to the account of the groundskeepers on the scene:

“The time capsule was buried in probably the single most memorable locale on campus: that patch outside the LRC with that woodchuck, wossname, right next to his burrow, actually,” said groundskeeper Jay Jamie. “Let’s check for spring snowfall and unknowable horrors shunted by the trustees of old onto hapless future collegiates at the same time. So far, all we found was a bit of a radon leak. Woodchuck started going to classes three years ago, actually. Radioactive gas made his brain huge, now he studies philosophy.”

Asked about the exemplary-looking physique of the groundhog, another groundskeeper Mark Plyers clarified:

“Well, I mean, most of the real big brain mammals are taking Nonlinear Journalism and internships in SEGO, so he’s smarter than the geese, though.”

A nearby goose, asked for comment, proceeded to chase this aforequoted groundskeeper into the LRC, accompanied by several painful yelps.

As of 2:31 a.m. Tuesday, Oct. 2, the operation to unearth the capsule hit a major snag- namely, the reveal that the capsule itself was merely a locking component for a door-mechanism 15 feet in diameter, connecting to a compound “about the same width and length as the LRC, twice as tall, but upside-down.” Cryptographers were able to decipher inscriptions on the main door as being written in plain American English, heavily obscured by mud, and translating roughly to:

“Seal-N-Safe Va(smudged)ec Vault 126- Open in case of Livable Radiation Conditions”

Given that the standard issue Geiger counters provided the groundskeeping staff only triggered in the direct vicinity of the vault, permissions were given to open it, beginning a short investigation into the depths of Vault 126. A sticky note was found on the inside of the initial bulkhead door, reading- ‘CCM Emergency Student Body Cryofreezer- 2,000 freshmen, 2,000 sophomore, 500 Associate’s Qualified, 250 Professor, 1 Insufferable Randy’.

As of 6:00 a.m. on Tuesday, Oct. 2nd, a critical mishap, described by groundskeepers as ‘leaning on a control panel’, led to the simultaneous unfreezing and release of all personnel within Vault 126, as well as the concurrent hijacking of the CCM intercom system to loop John Denver’s cult hit “Take Me Home Country Roads” for the entire duration of the incident, resolved by 8:30 that morning.

“Literally no one not at imminent risk of a cold war-related nuclear death has ever taken this much interest in a country song, it’s insane,” Jamie said. “In fact, we have reason to suspect that this song didn’t exist outside the vault until now- it was written in there, recorded in there, and piped out exclusively to celebrate the opening of the vault.”

As for the students, I managed to coerce a majority of them into helping drain the unfrozen cryo-racks- thawing everyone at once flooded the dang place. Furthermore, the Youngtown Satirical Research Team managed to set up a ramshackle apartment complex at the Agricultural building- we’re trying to convince the frozen teachers that they’re adjuncts who live there, now. Accepting the few that are coming uncomfortably close to cracking the Confidential Postgraduate Program Hallucinogen Nursery/Warehouse, we should have every student involved- save, unfortunately, the Insufferable Randy- safely cordoned functionally off-campus, at least until their integration to the school can be handled more safely. Was really tricky, getting those Qualifieds’ credits in n-spatial mechanics transferred to Rutgers in the wake of Emeriti Hall, but there should be no interruptions in the average student’s schedule.”

As of last report, a stray thawed freshman was seen breaking down in front of the Bursar’s office, holding up the line after failing to pay his 5-class tuition with his share of the vault-stashed scholarship trust: approximately $20 and a glass bottle of Coca-Cola.

The groundhog remains safe from the flooding/radon leak, although the country music seems to have scared him over to the Health and Physical Education building.

SATIRE: Christmas Declares War on Halloween

By John Dumm
Satire Editor

On the runup to the 19th Anniversary of the armistice that ended the War on Christmas, tragedy has struck with the recent leak that Christmas has been pursuing military actions against Halloween’s time-honored ally-Thanksgiving and in fact has the major November celebration surrounded, with forward bases extending as early into the year as late August.

“Nobody should be watching the Peanuts before the [redacted] leaves turn, for [redacted] sake!” says frankly obscene amateur on the subject Rill O’Briley, a malevolent phantom-newscaster conjured expressly for operating Youngtown newscasting services during their planned Halloween party later this month. “I barely got into my [redacted] summer body, now they want me to [redacted] …figgy pudding… [removed at interviewee’s  request]!”

Youngtown interns have been diligently drafting memos to inform Mr. O’Briley that The Peanuts is, in fact, a beloved American cultural symbol commonly associated with any and all holidays, as opposed to just Christmas- a task complicated by his insistence on rerouting all memos, regardless of urgency, directly into the trash.

Taking a more sober perspective on Christmas’ War on Thanksgiving (so as to help the reader determine for themselves whether or not to support retaliation in the upcoming Halloweentown Congressional Coven Covenantion)is renowned Nonlinear Temporal Engineer Juan Estupido, who not only regularly celebrates both holidays, but has also spent the last 7 months studying the mechanics of Holiday Displacement and it’s interactions with the Zeitgeist (both philosophical and, as of October this year, horrific meta-spiritual manifest egregore) in an inexplicable crazed research spree. We go to the mangy, bloodshot researcher now, for his take on this uncharacteristically jolliless scenario:

“I’m 90 percent sure Santa Claus killed Punxsutawney Phil.”

We now go to someone, anyone else.

Given the herein unreliable-at-best accounts provided by the Youngtown’s Halloween time sources, we’ve been approached by practicing psychologist and ride-or-die occultist Matthew Bristol about a unifying explanation for the Christological cultural turmoil and the uniquely poor quality of journalism on these holy nights.

“Frankly, there’s a growing cultural awareness of the similar pagan origins of Samhain and yuletide,” Bristol elaborated. “And their subsequent Christian patchings into All Hallow’s Eve and Christmas, respectively. Frankly, one could call this a novelly-distant acting syncretism, giving simultaneous rise to a new cultural schism dependant mainly on whether you’re a normal, tolerable human being or one of these weird, heathen gamers.”

Quizzed on the precise mechanics of the split, Bristol digressed, then proceeded: “So essentially, we’ve got Halloween/Yuletide, and All Saint’s Day/Christmas, slowly merging to become one holiday over extreme distances, crushing Thanksgiving in the process.”

CCM’s First Nations liaisons self-reported as ‘too busy to care about this weird Slavic nerd nonsense’ but seemed generally pleased with the prospect. Bristol continued:

“I’ll note here that this usually isn’t a stable way to deal with Balkans-esque constructs, as much as we wish it was as becomes apparent here: While the Christmas-faction seems content to annoy anyone listening to the radio and silently commiserate over unreasonable guilt, as is Catholic tradition; these new-age-retro-pagans pouring from CCM’s counter-and-subcultural movements are insisting on going bonkers-in haunted-Yonkers for the whole two-month gap. Trying to get forbidden lore published in the newspaper, squatting, chanting, bouncing around horrifying pools of trimethyl borate fire, piping noisomely, and generally participating in unholy rituals to try to resurrect dead fighting games.”

As a coping strategy for the bizarre confluence of holidays happening this year, Bristol recommends spending time with particularly dear members of family and your friend circle at large as well as promoting a few of your favorite carols, nestling headphones or earbuds under your earmuffs, reflecting on the spiritual benefits of communal celebrations like this, taking the sobering air as stimulus to redouble your studies and, of course, stocking up on hot cider and trimethyl borate to chant raucous, howling paeans to ancient horrorterrors over, so that you don’t fall too deep into irrational guilt and cooperative misery.

“Although, there might be some truth to that Punxsutawney Phil thing.”

Article over! Contact the Youngtown. Happy Halloween!

SATIRE: Pong and Game Rooms Declare War Against Each Other, Again

By John Dumm
Satire Editor

In the wake of most of its students graduating last semester, the SCC Pong and Game Rooms have devolved into anarcho-tribalist cesspools, with all interpersonal conflicts resolved primarily through slander-based social backstabbing, bribery, relentless scenes of abstract and brutal physical violence, or, in the case of the Game Room specifically, the infinitely more refined ritual of commanding Japanese cartoon characters in relentless scenes of abstract and brutal physical violence.

This, as with all of the Pong-TV corridor’s regularly scheduled descents into lawless thud-and-blunder dys-society, should resolve itself into coherent and diplomatically competent nation-states by the print-date of our first October issue, regardless of the state of these subcultures.

In the meantime, alternative governmental structures are forming to fill the gap, with the CCM Writer’s Club devoting substantial research into the Horticultural Orbit Station beyond Parking Lot 1 in an attempt to reestablish the druidic cult that once founded CCM, divining and setting up the inscrutable incentives and hidden desires of both top administrative staff and rich alumni for centuries to come.

Meanwhile, a relatively unknown guild devoted to- of all things- electronic gaming, claims to have already been conducting incomparable shadow power and unfathomable political clout, through the same means that continually reforge the Bismarckian interfactional Frankenstein of the Game Room into a unique force for student support and interest advancement: nerds, herded into a legitimate community.

The Youngtown has actually gotten hold of Andy Chung, who is not only a high ranking SEGO official, but also directed the Chaos Agents responsible for infiltrating the campus’ former white supremacist sect and forcing their dissolution by challenging and utterly embarrassing their top minds in honorable trivia/dance competition, for comment on SEGO’s success and organizational goals.

“Fundamentally, we just want reliable, unaudited access to rooms with quality television setups, couches, and a steady supply of junk foods,” Chung said. “That’s it, our ultimate goal, a 24/5 Geek Life party somewhere on CCM grounds. That is the sole motivation for everything, propping up the Game Room as a sociological testing ground and recruitment camp, busting cults for staff clout and goodwill, housing and arming the LGBT separatists, hosting tourneys, wining and dining the board of directors, laying logistical bedrock, forcing weird zoning rules in City Hall, and sacrificing the SCC Cafe  to get a Weis built off Lot 1. All of it in pursuit of slightly better hours for SEGO. You have no idea how much groundwork it took to have Emeriti built into a dimensional interstice off the old Sheffield n-spatial mechanics lab just to wind up with one room for eight hours a week. We don’t have that lab anymore. It tore itself apart trying to weld Emeriti into mundane space, and that’s why no one can find the place now.”

When asked to clarify if he was referring to the n-spatial mechanics lab or the current Emeriti hall, he requested we format a picture of him shrugging for news correspondents like so: “¯\_(ツ)_/¯”.

“Point is, if the Artificial Predictive Libel Generator had gotten off the ground, SEGO’d have a whole new building of misappropriated funds and real estate to throw around,” Chung said. “But as it stands, people got too nosy for their own good and we were forced to sack our only PhD program for a consolation prize. But, hey, we’ve still got our Youngtown connections, and the lab boys say any printed information referring to Emeriti Hall acts as an unstable infohazard and slowly degrades all memory of the surrounding text into a garble that the human brain interprets as a satire page, so, I mean, getting to divulge our plans risk free was actually really cathartic for me.”

The Youngtown Edition regularly seeks to keep its readers optimally informed, entertained, and fully capable of scholastic agency; so in collaboration with SEGO, we recommend that readers with any questions drop by Fridays between Student Hour and 5 p.m., at their recreational base down in EH 012.332959595959595995995995995-

{FULL ROOM NO. REDACTED FOR LEGIBILITY}

“Honestly, apparently, the memory decay effect hits maps and directions, too, and that seems to be causing kind of a problem for freshmen,” Chung said. “We’re working on a fix, trust me.”

SATIRE: Local Satirist Plagiarizes Self

By John Dumm
Satire Editor
The Youngtown Edition is absolutely and thoroughly bereaved to report yet another crime against journalistic decency as committed by Rogue Satirist John Dumm, who continues to use his unparallelled degree of academic irrelevance for evil. As of Friday, April 13, at 10:25 a.m., the legally deceased former columnist had attempted to turn in one of his own satire pieces in place of a final exam for Advanced Compositional Memetics (YGO 413). Editor-in-Chief Brett Friedensohn has agreed to coordinate with CCM Postmortem Communications adjuncts and the contracted head of the experimental Memetics Department, Cohen Edenfield, to relay the last known sightings of CCM’s most aggravating funnyman.

“Believe me, we are absolutely devastated by his latest loss,” Friedensohn relates, the increasingly contrived disappearances of his satire editor driving him into fits of tearful mania punctuated by what we are assured is less raucous laughter than a particularly nasty strain of tragedy hiccup.  “This is, what, the third time this year? First the coded insults to the Board of Directors, then the lawsuit with him, the libel machine, Fake Matthew and that Artix rep … What did him in this time? I hear it was, uh…”

Edenfield, the lesser known Cohen to whomst the hall was dedicated in secret by monks, has been asked to elaborate: “He, uh, handed me his paper, I started scanning stacks of them through the new SafeAssign processor we had wheeled in, and the thing went blaring red, pulled up three separate documents from the online storage of some newspaper nobody by the name of John Dumm. Works for some school piece called the Youngtown? Never heard of it, would’ve been the perfect crime were it not for the scanner thingy.”

Dodging the deep, soul-rending glares of Friedensohn, Cohen motions for his legal aide to finish the recount:

“The moment the sirens went off, five campus security officials in full riot gear busted in, carrying shotguns. They tackled John, shackled him to a golf cart they had gotten through the door , and drove off somewhere no one in this room has clearance to know about. They also shot and bagged a few members of the vaping team, but, well,”

At this point, Edenfield allowed himself a legally inadvisable interjection yelled from his Secure Debriefing / Trustee Loyalty Chamber to clarify: “I texted their parents, and they offered to split the life insurance 50/50 if I kept their names away from the vaping team. Think I heard one of those party noisemakers go off over the phone!”

Capping off the tragedy, Friedensohn has prepared a short, heartfelt eulogy for the dearly thrice-departed jokemonger, as composed by famed school poet and head of the Promethean Revival Project, Michelle Wossname:

“If any students witness a golf cart speeding on campus, do not report the sighting. If any students witness a torn, ragged pile of riot gear covered in what appears to be car battery cleaner, do not report the sighting. Monday / Wednesday classes covering the History of Modern and early modern Europe are expected to be haunted for some time within the next three weeds; do not report the sightings and do not, we repeat do not leave unattended food, literature or electronics near the lecture room walls. Any last thoughts from Cohen Edenfield? Yeah, actually, the biggest tip off was that he turned in the whole newspaper, flipped to put his article on top.”

SATIRE: April Postponed, Winter Season to start over from January

By John Dumm
Satire Editor

Shelve your pranks and go back to the snowboard; the Youngtown Edition Supernatural Weather Column is thoroughly wracked with mixed emotion to announce that, in the wake of the four consecutive Nor’ Easters that collectively devastated New England and northeastern infrastructure and closed the school for over a cumulative week, and in anticipation of the fifth, Sunday, April 1 has been pushed forward three months to Sunday; July 1 in favor of reinitializing the calendar from January in an attempt to get the weather right.

Fearing backlash from the student community over the admittedly sensible decision to recalibrate winter, the Committee for Campus Security (CCMCCS) has approached the Youngtown Edition to guide the student body through these increasingly surreal times.

“Before anyone panics, I would like to reassure the student body that this move was planned out well in advance,” said campus security director Eugene Knuckles. “We drafted the plans the same week Morris the News Knight returned with the frozen corpse of Punxsutawney Phil.”

As the first of our Catastrophic Weather Statistical Analysts, John Dinner has been well trained and thoroughly prepared to lead and assuage the populace in scenarios exactly like this complete with explicit instructions to cover up and refrain from revealing the deaths of beloved folk-holiday community leaders such as the groundhog from Groundhog Day, which he has apparently elected to ignore.

“News from the News Knight’s report says the late woodchuck emerged from his hole to an ‘all-consuming light-starved void of stygian darkness’ extending around his temporary home for 20 feet in every direction, prompting him to audibly scream and sprint directly to the bottom of his hole, digging with enough ferocity to throw dirt to the tunnel’s entrance for at least 6 hours after the initial discovery. There has been no word on the ontological status of holiday copatron Bill Murray as of this report.”

Providing a more measured, less informationally volatile response, Professor of Applied Eschatology Anderson Graham provides his perspective on recent events below:

“Clearly, this is the beginning of Fimbulvetr, the three consecutive winters said to herald the nordic Apocalypse and the concurrent extinction of mankind and their gods. In the wake of this news, CCM has prepared a modified schedule of study in which each consecutive January is open for separate course registrations under the standard rulings, in an attempt to rapidly train a scholarly force that might avert the icebound end. I would recommend new and returning students look towards High Energy Industrial Arboreal Agriculture, as detailed in the prophetic Prose Edda here, here, and here.”

Lastly, addressing more measured concerns, the esteemed Matthew Bristol, chairman of CCM’s board of weather-based decisions, has taken a leave from his legal proceedings against the (dismantled) Youngtown Artificial Predictive Libel Engine to address more standard public concerns.

“The School Board and associates have taken great pains to inform me that all midterm testing and project management is expected to be complete and in teacher files by April now loop to Jan. 1 regardless of the school’s state of glacial vitrification,” Bristol said. “All late submissions will be penalized as per normal the moment the relevant professors thaw out sometime during the summer semester. Furthermore, while the campus will offer improved GPA scaling to complement the vastly increased general difficulty and Eldritch Exams found on Loop 2 Courses and beyond, they wish to explicitly clarify that no students will be charged again for their current courses or penalized for repeating the year.”

Thus far, the Youngtown has been able to address every public issue with the ruling save to student concerns, one as to whether or not school will be closed tomorrow, and one concerning whether the glacial pace of 2018 Januaries combined with their calibrational repetition could lead to the artificial compression of two full years into the 2018 winter season. To alert us to other issues potentially caused by the month of April missing timing, contact the Youngtown at youngtownedition@gmail.com.

SATIRE: Local Satirist Flooded with Requests for Hit Piece

By John Dumm
Satire Editor

As of Tuesday, Feb. 27 at 1:28 a.m., the satire column for the first March issue of the Youngtown Edition has finally entered its first drafting phase, only to meet two simultaneous, cascading workflow issues: a lack of suitable, semi-surreal recent local events to semi-seriously report on, and a total lack of suitable stockpiled material.

TV

In the Student Community Center game room, an anonymous tipster wants a hit piece. Photo by: Brett Friedensohn

With the predictive artificial libel engines taken down and sold for scrap after the satire column’s ill-advised declaration that they existed in the first place, the sole intrepid reporter of the Youngtown Satirical Research Team has been forced to plumb increasingly unstable, ideologically radioactive sources for pressing news and hot takes: Game Room reader submissions. Unsurprisingly, given the scattershot majors and dubious enrollment status of the Student Community Center TV Center’s regular patrons, the entries provided thus far: 17 requests covering three topics, not counting a notice from the Board of Trustees threatening to replace the column with an advertisement for the Super A&P off Parking Lot 1, do not strictly hold up to rigorous journalistic standards.

Quoting one Sonya Gilliland, who has graciously offered to read the 15 anonymous emails concerning our most requested topic for the regrettably cancelled CCM production of Newsies 2- Pictures of Spiderman:

“There’s a miscreant running amok in the game room who’s been harrassing everyone in there over made up newspaper quotes since this time … last year, I think.”

Unfortunately for our anonymous submitter, hit pieces, no matter how warranted, are explicitly barred from publication in the Youngtown. Gilliland noted that Matthew Bristol, Youngtonwn’s distribution manager who was featured as having various roles such as chairman of CCM’s communist party and a chair enthusiast, has written in with complaints.

“Matthew Bristol came up the other week saying that he hadn’t given consent for any of the quotes credited to him, and that he was going to sue,” Gilliland said.

The regulations against explicitly naming individuals in print when they’re going to be displayed in a negative light is actually double regulated on campus, held up by both the journalistic integrity of Youngtown staff and heavily-armed representatives of the Board of Trustees, sent to reinforce the Silent Act against Academic Sedition implemented after a notable Youngtown-aligned revolutionary managed to escape the high-security penal cells at Randolph Middle School and report on his own execution by the board.

“Fictional Matthew Bristol is threatening to countersue; he’s saying this counts as censorship and a violation of Clone Rights?” Gilliland said. “I really don’t know what to do, could you please inform the law students?”

Regardless of the actions of the accused or the explicitly, intentionally dubious integrity of the columns suggested for such actions, Youngtown cannot take specific action against unpopular students without the explicit permission or orders of CCM administration and has taken pride in subverting and undermining these mandates even when they have been given such as with aforementioned post-execution column that painted the guilty party as an honest guru of nutritional wisdom regarding funny pages.

“He just wanders around the game room with some poor girl’s varsity jacket, you know, the black-and-yellow West Milford one, ruining serious conversations and making this stupid face the whole time,” Gilliland said.

The photo attached to the email has not been reproduced to protect the privacy of the accused. We assure you, he looks like an absolute dope.

Nonetheless, we would like to thank these concerned school citizens for providing wonderful assistance in inspiring this PSA and spurring the satire column to completion in record time: just 15 hours and ten minutes after the deadline. Anyone who would like to submit an idea for the satire column that does not condone unethical practices, support the proposed secession of the Game Room from campus, or refer directly to the unstable ontological/canonical status of Cluck-U Chicken is encouraged to send their ideas either directly to the Youngtown, or to the current main satirist, at youngtownedition@gmail.com and jedumm.64@gmail.com respectively.

Satire: Game Room Aggressively Denies Existence of Valentine’s Day

By John Dumm
Satire Editor

As has become apparent by the feeling of romance in the air, and the sudden upswell of vintage patriotism courtesy of meisters Washington and Lincoln, February is kicking into gear, and with it, the men of the County College are joining hands in fits of existential despair.

“Valentine’s Day is one week from now. My summer body, among others, isn’t slated to be ready until March … 2019,” said Game Room inhabitant Seth Almuerzo. “You can see the problem.”

Esteemed mad psychologist Nathan Almas (author of acclaimed ominous manuscript ‘The Brain Defaults to Actively Suicidal unless Tempted With Candy’) has been studying the core causes of St. Valentine’s Seasonal Depressive Disorder since embarrassing himself with a chalkboard marriage proposal in the fifth grade and sums up the issue with a dire diagnosis of the mental health of CCM as a whole:

“Valentine’s Day, aside from it’s enduring legacy as a celebration of chocolatey overindulgence and Imperial Roman optometry, has been promoted in recent times as a time for the recollection and affirmation of deep, mutual affection, romantic and platonic alike,” Almas said. “This manifests in the modern college student as a crawling realization that they have no functional relationships of any kind, and a mounting, resigned anxiety that they must find the relief they need in solitary, inexorable death.”

Almas, who somberly notes that he has in fact managed to drive away the last coworker willing to be seen in public with him with “predictive artificial libel” about the Russian antioxidant trade, has requested that the Youngtown make no note of his obvious, tear-laden emotional distress before continuing.

“Human notions of emotional closeness are really only known in this community through popular fanfiction and lengthy psych articles about the horrific mental toll of having no non-Naruto related sympathetic social connections,” Almas said. “Now, I can only reliably speak for the Game Room which has been noted in censuses to serve as a home base to five women, and approximately half of all men on campus, but the compound effects of societally enforced self-repression and the, uh, understandable unwillingness of the seven individuals who can claim both a healthy mental state and regular contact with Game Room regulars to play Pro Bono Industrial Mass Therapist has recently been pinpointed as a source of ridiculous, soul-cracking stress in everyone involved. In multiple cases, we’ve seen individuals so thoroughly burdened by their own intrusive self-deprecation loops that they start conforming to the stereotypes of Game Room regulars ceasing to regularly shower and actively promoting media proven by public opinion to calcify testosteronergic endocrinal systems such as anime without buff men beating the daylights out of each other.”

All hope is not lost, however, as concerned Game Room citizens have begun to look out for their own, and use their hard-won, intimate knowledge of the socially injured to repair the damage in their ecosystem.

Nick Wossname, Mental Coliseum of the CCM CCTV SevenSages, has been approached to elaborate upon and promote his methods.

“Fundamentally, really, it’s about giving these dudes something to do,” Wossname said. “Valentine’s Day is making everybody desperate; desperate kids end up looking predatory, starts making people around them desperate to get away. What we need right now, and what I have been working with the Student Electronic Gaming Organization Deep Council to provide, is a big, public, completely unrelated social gathering! Something to help people shrug off the immense psychic weight outdated social demands, exacerbated and locked in by the unique challenges of our era and, frankly, sheer random chance. So we set up a fighting game tournament, where you can walk in, shovel down a metric load of chocolate and pizza, and take full faith that the only thing against you here is like 50 of your closest friends, all of whom are standing alongside you to cleanse themselves of spiritual evils by beating the daylights out of buff-anime-man proxies of the fighting will of their peers.”

While the precise details haven’t been hammered out, the game room seems to be in unanimous agreement as to the quality and wholesomeness of the project, with the only complaints (four men, two women) being that the tournament should be showcasing Guilty Gear or Street Fighter instead of Super Smash Brothers.

Look for new developments regarding the tournament, tentatively titled “Lemme SMASH ‘18,” in and around the Game Room as Valentine’s Day approaches, and look into joining the tournament or even just enjoying the games as a spectator with the help of your friendly Game Room denizens.

SATIRE: Academic advisors admit some students should just give up

By John Dumm
Satire Editor

Dean Patrick Starr, as part of a schedule of miscellaneous do-goodery, hosted a Spring Semester Advisory Event in the County College of Morris student lounge Wednesday, Jan. 10, looking to grant guidance and approval for the course selections of late registrants for the semester and ensure the smooth re-integration of the entire student body into academic life as per normal.

In a brutal, if not surprising, turn of events, the event failed miserably, opening with Starr attempting to demonstrate course-curation on a sample WebAdvisor account, leading to mass panic and depression within the conference room as he found that literally every course offered by CCM had already been filled.

In the wake of this event, advisory staff were consulted to compile a more thorough and well-researched plan for dodging the potential embarrassment and anomie associated with a skipped semester

Advisor Apera Osunniyi (Art Futurology) recommends students take advantage of this period of relatively light obligations and clear scheduling by taking a step back, re-evaluating the stressors in their lives, and seeking more fulfilling ways to occupy themselves, such as auditing literally every class that sounds remotely interesting, usually by pretending to be the delinquent guy who never shows up and spends every class asleep. Advisor Eric Manny (Applied Eschatology) suggests an advanced technique, similar to the above; students unable to enroll in classes at CCM itself should take advantage of our generous degree transferability programs, usually intended to be enacted after you complete your two-year CCM tenure, yes, but with sufficient abuse of either special pleading, nepotism, or the advanced (and recurring) CompSci technique of “Reverse Buellering” yourself into class registries, you can complete your degree at Rutgers University and take it with you when you go to Rutgers earlier that year, shaving up to six months off your Ph. D run and breaking the event flag for graduation, letting you collect infinite associate’s degrees in your starting field. Exploit only works for degrees that lead to doctorates in Theoretical Physics.

For freshmen and other young students who cannot speedrun their degrees at Rutgers et al., Manny recommends attempting to re-integrate in your old high school, leveraging your Legitimate College Experience to get placements in AP classes and “educationally slingshot” into a scholarship qualification, or another college entirely, such as Rutgers, the only school that hasn’t patched Sloppy Bureaucratic Time Travel.

Advisor Anderson Graham (Militarized Psychiatry) takes a more traditional approach to unofficial collegiate education: apprenticing yourself to a native denizen of the Game Room, learning their trade directly (Graham recommends a Guilty Gear player) and either offering to help them take notes and study in class, rummaging through their notebook when they’re in the bathroom, or devoting your entire being to video games and winning their brain and/or soul from them in a Shadow Duel. Graham recommends you not think too hard about the existential fate of the Gameroomer banished to a timeless umbral prison realm in this process. The Philosophy department has published reams of workable arguments that game room residents are not technically real people, and cannot feel pain.

Advisor Aidan Fitzgerald (High-Energy Industrial Sociology) has come forth as promoting perhaps the most practical and responsible response thus far, and has offered to elaborate personally.

“It is of course absolutely, literally vital to the CCM community that you stay enrolled in at least some classes so you at least have an illusion of … productivity,” said Fitzgerald, insisting to Youngtown reporters that they deliberately emphasize the pause with ellipses. “Just about everyone on campus is a valued member of the community who contributes to overall campus thrival both academically and socially, no matter how much they may believe otherwise about themselves. However, certain factions on campus: campus security, the theatre department, the LGBT Ministry, the shadow government supposedly run by the Student Government Association but in actuality engineered entirely by SEGO, have compiled criteria for named exceptions to the above statement. Absolute annoyances with no real academic future and a known track record of student and staff harassment et cetera, that nonetheless managed to clog up the class system anyway!”

Fitzgerald proceeded to insist we make editorial note of his pushing his glasses up and steepling his fingers before he proceeded.

“If someone were to find a way to remove these elements, they could detoxify the school’s social pool and bump the waitlists on mostly engineering courses in one fell swoop,” Fitzgerald said. “And, of course, if you happen to be on the waitlists at the time.”

At the Youngtown editing team’s behest, he added a disclaimer against the reprehensible act of actually harming fellow students for personal gain.

“Now, of course, the consequences for actually committing murder are catastrophic, Fitzgerald said. “However, all is not lost. SEGO has connections to the Game Room, and the Game Room itself is inhabited by people more like the Predator than actual people, per se. They’ll aid your righteous quest for character slots in exchange for literal sandwiches, and have dedicated so much of their memory to the muscular pretzelling required by old-school fighting games that they are mentally incapable of ratting you out!”

SATIRE: Youngtown satire editor arrested, executed for sedition

By John Dumm
Satire Editor(?)

Following production of warrants for his arrest of on orders from the County College of Morris Board of Trustees, the Office of Campus Security has finally successfully detained academi-political dissident John Dumm as of Thursday, Oct. 19.

Following his arrest, he was placed on trial for inciting a rebellion against County College faculty, found guilty on all counts, and publically executed Friday, like 15 minutes after the game room closes, in the remains of the Student Center Cafe, via electrocution.

In the wake of this arguably necessary display of judicial authoritarianism, Youngtown staff members were asked to step forward with details on his transgressions, capture, and eventual death.

“Always knew that place was just chairs in the end, though this particular variant wasn’t exactly expected,” said Matthew J. Bristol, Youngtown distribution manager, psychology student, campus head of culinary economics, founding member and current chairman of the Communist Party of CCM, said. “Still, though, the subject of this interview, John Dumm was easily the most powerful idiot this school had on offer.”

Having been enlisted as John’s ‘beta-reader’ prior to submission for editing, Bristol has offered to share his thoughts on the factors leading to John’s arrest.

“Everyone just kind of forgot he was the satire editor, explicitly involved in satire, the ridiculous comedy column with the disclaimer and the quarantine page so it doesn’t get into the opinions of easily influenced children including himself. He wrote three pieces on economic anxiety knowing for a fact that that is the one emotion every community college student can be trusted to be able to feel, tugged on the wrong people’s heartstrings, and got chewed out for it. Next thing I hear, he’s setting up a multi-prong attack to destroy the Youngtown with an actual, honest-to-God pumpkin cult. I’m not gonna claim this wasn’t a completely disproportionate response, but with the toxicity in the game room, the pong room, and the entire Student Government Association these days, sometimes the horrific over executive mockery of justice just feels like a c-minus result. So long as we get the degree without dying, he’s an outlier, and I kinda expected something like this to happen anyways.”

Bristol said that he was close with Dumm in spite of his antics.

“I loved him like a brother, yes,” Bristol said. “And as to whether or not that ‘including himself’ bit referred to delirious forgetfulness or a puerile cognitive contextualizer that can and will warp under the strain of it’s own content, it’s both. He was exactly the kind of person who would write a blatant and surreal parody of factual events, come back to it the next day, and think ‘Legitimate News Publishing’, or ‘Revolutionary Thought, Praiseworthy, and Innovative,’ or, on less lucid days, ‘Food.’ I have seen him flip to the satire page and cram it into his mouth, as a chaser to a few rashers of bacon, a slice cauliflower pizza, and a half-cup of ‘activated almonds’.”

Brett Friedensohn, editor-in-chief of the Youngtown and the executive who first recruited Dumm for the Youngtown, had this to say in defense of his deceased colleague:

“Honestly, he was a hit, in the same way you might call an ACME-brand piano a hit,” Friedensohn said. “It runs like clockwork. He runs up to the literal half-hour of the deadline, pushes us some bizarre piece while telling us he dredged it out of a sewer somewhere, and comes to production meetings just to hyperventilate in a corner. And it wins fan mail! Callouts on the road between classes! Groupies, from near the game room, sometimes. Granted, these are game room groupies, but it was at least marginally better than death squads. Plus, he got Matthew to sling papers for us, so we’re pretty sure that qualifies him for Catholic sainthood. Really, he filled a hole that our last satire editor left in our hearts, and now we’re gonna have to get it looked at by a doctor or somesuch. We’re not insured. It’s ridiculous. By the way, who are you getting to collate these interviews into a cohesive article, anyway? Usually, it was John handling the, uh, inane meta-humor.”

Taking reports and collations to advance a hitherto-unknown position on his own death, John Dumm has compiled a retort and eulogy, listed below:

“I can neither confirm, nor deny the allegation. May God rest his soul, may his soul haunt his column, may his column inject visions of eight-pack abs and meticulously fluffed eyebrows into the CCM populace. Just let the Board of Trustees know: Everything I did, I did for memes alone.”

The questionably-animated remains of John Dumm were last seen picking up expensive microphones and dropping them, to unknown effect. If any students have information on this ghoul’s whereabouts, please contact the Youngtown Edition.

SATIRE: Textbook prices soar, students pursue alternate educational materials

By John Dumm
Satire Editor

Literally no one owns a legitimate, school-sponsored copy of the textbook for the Thursday and Saturday 3:05 p.m. statistics class taught by Dr. Xavier Bush, a recent survey by the Youngtown Satirical Research Team has found.

Most of the students said that they refused to buy the textbook, I Just Wrote This So I Can Retire by former CCM statistics professor Andrew Gallows, because they could not afford the $420.69 cost of the Pearson-published textbook required for all statistics classes.

“Well, we walked to the back of the shop, saw copies of Gallow’s book for 400-something bucks and reported the school store to the Better Business Bureau for their extortionate pricing schema,” said hobbyist mathematician Alex Jared Styles, helpfully bundling the obscene quantity of expletives used in his exposition into a single, easily omissible paragraph-length rant. “Last I heard, they only got in half as many ‘Good Job’ stickers as they ordered, which is either a ridiculously poor legal punishment or a very illegal money laundering gambit. Could be both. Either way, this shortage is going to cause a massive dip in the number of students recognized for exemplary work.”

In the meantime, the student body has been struggling to cope with the ridiculous location based pricing at the School store- many of them resorting to means that do not require a book whatsoever.

“In standard mathematics courses, it’s easy,” said Jace Wang, a self-proclaimed culinary smuggling expert. “Stultifyingly hard, but, y’know, fair about it. The books barely explain the core concepts, their indexes are harder to use than Wikipedia, and half the time if you poke an adjunct professor hard enough they’ll squeal out a random selection of homework questions like you just woke them from an amphetamine-induced sleep-deprivation nightmare about postgraduate theses. So you just hunker down with a net-capable computer, an established mathematician, and a pointy stick.”

The model standard mathematicians have taken seems to be an extremely popular form of learning aide throughout the hard sciences and rigorous humanities, used even by more orthodox students during the 1 p.m. to 3 p.m. classes between finding out what books they need and receiving them from Chegg or other non-monopolistic online retailers.

“As long as you have a notebook, external resources for vocabulary and quirky grammar, and a willingness to stay conscious through your 8 a.m. classes, you can basically hold parity with the top of the class,” said French major Philippe Thomas. “I literally just kept my hand to the notebook in class and started watching anime in French- first exam, 94 percent. Learning to use unorthodox sources in your education is the single most helpful thing you can do in college- it improves your grades, self-confidence, rate of learning, and most importantly your taste in television. If you’ll excuse me, I need to go lobby something with the Asian Student Association.”

Methods like this have spread to every class with textbooks above $30 in-school, only skipping over English composition courses with hilariously easy alternative sources and correspondingly cheap materials. However, new developments in educational exploitation could spell trouble for even those student communes who got around book-based homework by collectively funding a single extortionate purchase.

Following a 30-minute unprintable diatribe towards the educational conglomerate Pearson, Christina Jericho urged the Youngtown Satirical Research Team to defund, defame, and protest any classes using their software. Running at an average of $100 for an online access code without the relevant textbook, students campuswide consider Pearson to be the greatest threat to their financial solvency outside of 4-year schooling, made worse by its mandatory inclusion in every soft-mathematical or business degree.

“The microeconomic curriculum used to self-select for the best, most resourceful, most motivated, and generally diplomatically professional students simply by their ability to get away with a nonexistent or insufficiently legal copy of the text, producing graduates widely claimed to be more economically savvy than most world leaders,” Jericho said. “And the strong oral tradition of the macroeconomics program, which had predictively given up on written language altogether, was the gem of the CCM liberal arts department. Now the only people who can learn how money works are the bourgeoise, incompetent fatcats rich enough to treat it like a liability.”

Jericho recommended that prospective students in this track take the controversial move of majoring in liberal arts, taking a gap year to work in the service industry on Wall Street, and somehow convincing a store regular to let you use his diploma.