Men’s basketball ends playoff run with division title loss

By Connor Iapoce & Brett Friedensohn
Sports Editor, Editor-in-Chief

The men’s basketball Titans at County College of Morris fell short of glory after winning the Garden State Athletic Conference championship and reaching the championship game of the Region XIX DII tournament, where their season ended in a heartbreaking 74-76 loss against Ulster County Community College.

The Titans concluded the 2017-2018 season with an overall record of 21-9 and a conference championship under their belt.

CCM athletic director Jack Sullivan disagreed with labeling the game as a Region XIX championship loss due to technicalities about the designation of the game.

“Technically, it was a district championship, not the region title,” Sullivan said. “Ulster is from outside the region. It was a district game to see who goes to the national tournament. Technically, we were on top of the Region XIX, so we won the Region XIX, but it didn’t give us an automatic bid. I guess we’re the regular season Region XIX champions and Garden State Athletic Conference Champions, 21-9.”

Meanwhile, the Titans are still dealing with the shortened end of a successful season, with the second half of the season consisting of 13 wins and three losses. The Titans entered the Region XIX championship on a five-game win streak.

“I think that we all bought in,” said D’Ondre Dent, a freshman guard. “We came together, there was a lot of leadership skills by [sophomores] Ishmil Raymond and Ranell Bell. We bought into what the coach has been teaching us, and I know we came together, and everything became easy. Once you do everything you’re supposed to do, it became easy. That’s why you saw that win streak.”

The loss from an out of region team was especially disappointing for Dent, who said he saw it as a stolen win in a game that should been theirs to win.

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Titans forward Ish Raymond puts up a layup in a 99-55 win against Prestige Prep.

“The team we lost to, they weren’t in our region,” Dent said. “They came in and took our trophy. Now, they’re probably dancing in Danville right now. I’ll never forget that feeling. I didn’t play the game, I got hurt the game before so watching them, that was my first time. Watching them and to lose by two, that hurt so I’m definitely using that as motivation for next year.”

The championship game against Ulster came down to the wire for the Titans, with a two-point difference deciding the winner. The Titans were leading Ulster 35-31 entering halftime, but the team was ultimately outscored 45 to 39 in the second half, with the final score of 74-76.

“It hurt,” Dent said. “The team was good, but we definitely shot ourselves in the foot. Hopefully, we’ll work hard. We’re in the gym, and we’ll work hard. We are already in the gym and took a week off for spring break, so we’re focused on next year. Get to that same position, but have a different outcome.”

Before this playoff run, the Titans had not reached the Region XIX playoffs since the 2012-2013 season.

“We were the second seed going into it which is huge because it hasn’t happened in years, forget about us even going in,” said freshman red shirt Andrew Sosna. “So, we made it very far in that regard. We played our hearts out; I know the guys were frustrated with the loss. I think that we got in our own heads, and I think that’s why we couldn’t deliver. When this team plays at optimum capacity, we are unstoppable.”

The two championships were the first at CCM for head coach Anthony Obery, who is in his fourth season as a CCM coach and third season as the head coach.


“They came in and took our trophy. Now, they’re probably dancing in Danville right now. I’ll never forget that feeling.”

D’Ondre Dent
Titans guard


Sosna said he has been waiting all season for a chance to join the team and is hoping next season can capitalize on this year’s success.

    “I think a lot of our sophomores are leaving this year, which is upsetting, but good for them,” said Sosna. “I know they’re going on to bigger, better things. I think we have a team that’s ready to work, we have a good program, and we have coaches that are ready to kick us into high gear. I’m excited. I’m super excited. I’ve been waiting all year for this, honestly. I think we can deliver again.”

Sullivan is also confident the team will be able to find success again next season.

“I like the freshman we have coming back,” Sullivan said. “I thought they were outstanding. I think that they can go from there. I think there’s a lot to be excited about.”

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Students celebrate St. Patrick’s Day with parades, family gatherings

By Rebecca Mena
Contributor

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Musicians march at the Morristown St. Patrick’s Day Parade.
Photo Courtesy of Facebook

Students at County College of Morris celebrated St. Patrick’s Day in a variety of ways including staying home with family food and drinks and attending and performing in parades.

“It was my only day off, so even though I’m Irish, I decided to stay home for the day and enjoy my family’s company,” said Katherine Mahon, a communication major at CCM. “I usually have a traditional dinner the day of, which is corn beef, pickled cabbage, potatoes, and Irish soda bread.”

Mahon said it’s not a tradition for her to go to any of the St. Patrick’s Day parades, but she has attended the New York St. Patrick’s Day parade when she was younger.  She said it’s not worth walking through the streets of New York because majority of the people are drinking excessively, so she preferred to stay home with her family to have a nice home-cooked Irish meal with a few drinks.

“This year, I played the bagpipes at the Morristown Parade, the Kearny Parade, and the Ringwood Parade,” said Joseph Hric, a criminal justice major at CCM. “I’ve been playing the bagpipes since seventh grade, so I’ve been lucky enough to play in different parades each year for about seven or eight years now.”

Hric said he started to play the bagpipes because it was one of the more  common wind instruments to play at the time while attending high school.

“The parade goes for a couple of miles, so my mouth usually gets really tired.” Hric said.  “I usually practice by playing for hours and hours working up to the event so I can prepare myself for three parades or whatever the occasion might be.”

Hric said although he is not Irish, he loves to play the bagpipes, and his family goes out each year to show their support for his events.

“My uncle’s birthday is on March 17, and this year he turned 50, so not only did we celebrate his birthday, but we also got to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day which meant double the drinking and double the food,” said John Maka, an engineering science major at CCM.  “During the day, we went to the New York City parade and at night we headed over to my uncle’s house along with a bunch of other family that I don’t usually get to see.”

Maka said he has to prepare himself  in the morning of for all the food, desserts, and drinks that are made for that day. He said his mom is known for making her special buffalo chicken dip and her margaritas.

“My family usually goes above and beyond with the food; there’s chicken francaise, chicken parmesan, lasagna, buffalo chicken dip, and endless amounts of desserts,” Maka said.  “Even though it’s not your typical Irish meal, I always look forward to seeing my cousins and catching up with other relatives.”

Students demonstrate comedic, musical talents at open mic

By Katie Coyne
Contributor

Comedy

CCM student Nate Martucci performs stand-up comedy at CCM’s open mic.
PHOTO BY KATIE COYNE

Fifteen students had signed up for the event hosted by the Student Activities Programming Board.

The SAPB’s goal is to do one open mic day per semester and there is no charge for students to sign up.

“Everything here is free,” said SAPB treasurer Angela Galviz, a business administration major at CCM. “Any activity that SAPB does takes one or two dollars out of your tuition, so technically, you already paid for everything.”

Galviz said she was satisfied with the turnout.

“We actually have a pretty good turnout right now, so I’m pretty happy about that,” Galviz said.  “People are starting to show up for the acts.”

Galviz chose not to perform.

“I do not have talent,” Galviz said.  “I like playing sports.”

Broadcasting major Ethan Herzinger performed “You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away” by The Beatles. He has been playing guitar since seventh grade.

“It felt good because I wanna do these things but I’m at college, you know,” Herzinger said. “It’s always busy.  I have to keep up with work, so it’s great to do these kind of things.”

Nate Martucci, a business administration major in his third semester at CCM, performed comedy.

“I always liked comedy and stand-up comedy, things like that, so I decided I’d try to go up and try my hand at it,” Martucci said. “I think it was a really good way for everybody to kind of show what they think they are good at and show off their talents.”

Martucci accidentally knocked over the microphone when he took the stage, but his nerves did not stop him.

“I got nervous; I’ll be honest,” Martucci said. “It was my first time doing a comedy act in front of people.”

Chris Rock is one of Martucci’s favorite comedians.

“He’s one of my favorites just because of the way he delivers his material,” Martucci said.

Other students performed musical pieces with instruments such as the harmonica and keyboard. Some performed rap, blues, and jazz pieces.

Some students danced along to the rhythm of the music. Nachos and salsa were served in case students wanted something to munch on while enjoying the entertainment.

CCM newspaper earns multiple collegiate journalism awardS

By Youngtown Staff

The Youngtown Edition has continued producing award-winning content by winning six New Jersey Collegiate Press Association 2017-18 season awards.

These included the first place honors in news writing, investigative reporting, editorial writing, and layout and design.

Additionally, the paper won third place in overall website and photography.

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A sample of Arianna Parks’ photography which won third place in the NJCPA collegiate two-year college newspaper contest. Photo by Arianna Parks

Former managing editor Jannat Sheikh and current editor-in-chief Brett Friedensohn won the investigative award for Youngtown’s fire safety certificates investigative series published in October and November of 2017. Friedensohn also won the editorial award for his piece “Support proposed New Voices of New Jersey legislation” published April 26, 2017.

“I’m glad that the paper can be acknowledged for the work we’ve put in,” Friedensohn. “Before anything else, we always try to train our staff with the skills they need to work as journalists, and I think that shows with the awards we won. I’m grateful to everyone who has contributed to us to help us continue with high-quality work 100 volumes after our first publication.”

If passed, the bill for which Friedensohn advocated in his editorial would protect student journalists from administrative censorship and has entered the New Jersey state legislature since the story was published.

“As far as pieces that I’ve personally written for Youngtown, it’s one of my favorites because of how important the First Amendment is to me,” Friedensohn said. “If I helped progress the legislative process in any way, I’m grateful for that.”

Sheikh joined former editor-in-chief Beth Peter and former satire editor Moe Rahmatullah to win the news writing award for their piece “Student Government Shutdown: ‘Petty’ disagreements, ‘dysfunction’ and misconduct allegations see group disbanded,” also published April 26, 2017.

“It feels really great that our hard work is being recognized,” said Sheikh, who graduated CCM in January with an associate’s in journalism and now works as a freelance journalist. “These articles are very important to me and made me realize what journalism is all about. I am so proud of the Youngtown team for always sticking to the truth and providing the community with the information necessary.”

Rahmatullah said that while he was honored to accept the award, he hoped throughout working on the story that the administration and SGA members would “reach a more civil conclusion” than to shut the club down.

“I think being recognized for your work is always an honor, but I do wish that things would’ve been different with the SGA shutdown, even if that meant that we wouldn’t have won an award,” Rahmatullah said. “Even now, I kind of miss being in the newsroom on production day. It was a great experience and a fantastic way to spend my time.”

Rahmatullah graduated CCM in May 2017 as a business administration major and now attends The College of New Jersey as an interactive multimedia major.

“While the skills I developed don’t necessarily translate directly into those majors, I do think the skills I learned during my time at the paper are an asset for anyone who develops them,” Rahmatullah said. “At the end of the day, learning how to communicate ideas, ask questions, and talk to people are things that help most people in most careers.”

The Youngtown staff earned first in layout for the paper’s Halloween issue published Oct. 25, 2017.

Layout editor Alexa Wyszkowski and copy chief Marisa Goglia earned the website award for their work on youngtownedition.wordpress.com.

Former photo editor and current regular contributor Arianna Parks won the photography award with her contributions to the Youngtown arts section in the Wednesday, Nov. 8 issue.

“The Youngtown is a sort of trial run preparing its staff — myself included, of course — for the life of a journalist,” Parks said. “We constantly have our ears and eyes on the ground looking for the latest news around campus while addressing local and global issues that affect CCM students … The skills in photography, writing, leadership, organization and design I’ve learned with the YT are invaluable.”

Parks said that the award has inspired her.

“Upon hearing that I won the honor of third best photography at a two-year school in the whole state of New Jersey, out of 19 others, I was inspired,” Parks said. “I was thankful, happy and surprised as well; the reason “inspired” came to the forefront is that working so hard, channeling my skills and expressing myself through pictures that bring life to the words my work accompanies accumulated to earn me the award.”

Youngtown advisor Russ Crespolini, who has spent the last two decades as a working journalist in a variety of mediums, said that he was particularly proud of this crop of awards.

“The Youngtown was an award-winning paper long before I got here, and I anticipate continuing to be so long after I’m gone,” Crespolini said. “And while every award is one to celebrate, I am particularly proud of this year’s awards. The news writing and investigative reporting pieces were uncomfortable. And that is what good journalism is, at its core. You have to follow story leads that are uncomfortable and deliver the content without flinching no matter what internal and external noise you may be facing.”

Crespolini said he is a fan of the press association as an organization and values their judgment.

“I’ve worked with them for years in my professional life of campus. They are an incredibly dedicated and talented group of journalists who take their craft very seriously,” Crespolini said. “To be acknowledged by them is a big validation to these students. Their work, I feel, speaks for itself, but it is nice to be acknowledged by those whose job it is set the industry standard. It echoes the compliments from the campus community and local officials the staff received this past year.”

NCAA corruption case prompts differing views

By Mahadye Paniahie
Contributor

As the FBI investigates the NCAA on corruption allegations, students and staff at County College of Morris have differing opinions on if the association should pay its players.

Up to 20 schools are being investigated for allegedly providing improper benefits including illegal payments and other gifts to its players, according to Sports Illustrated.

CCM athletic director Jack Sullivan said that NCAA Division I schools focus too much on business instead of academics.

“I do not like the higher levels of Division I athletics because it’s become big business, and it’s not the true spirit of what collegiate athletics is all about,” Sullivan said. “They’re not scholar athletes. They’re not amateurs. That’s a scam. It’s a sham. And I’m glad I’m not at that level, and that’s not why I got into college athletics, not for the money, not for that. I got into college athletics for the student athletes to make a difference in their educational goals through athletics.”

Juliana Lopez, a communication major at CCM, said that NCAA Division I student athletes should be paid.

“They work harder and dedicate time into training, and it exhausts them from trying to do well in school,” Lopez said. “They should be getting paid maybe $300 to $700 a month. I understand the schools cover some of their expenses, but they still should be getting paid, in my opinion. Some of these athletes need money for their families or personal reasons. People think scholarships are enough and athletes should be grateful for that, but the NCAA makes so much money that it seems unfair.”

The NCAA paying its players is something athletes and journalists have been debating on for a while now. NBA star LeBron James, who was drafted in 2003 directly out of high school, called the NCAA “corrupt” in late February, saying that Division I colleges do not recruit players with academic goals in mind, according to ESPN.

“Being an athlete for a Division I school is like having a job,” said Mary Skaltsis, a liberal arts major at CCM. “There is so much time and work you put in for the team that it becomes so hard to focus on other things. You don’t have enough free time to do schoolwork for class, commit to your sport, and have a job. How else are you supposed to make money? I don’t blame the athletes who take cash from schools. If they were getting paid legally, the NCAA would not be in this situation right now. The NCAA is ripping off these kids.”

Colleges do cover some, if not all, expenses for some students’ educations through scholarships, according to ESPN. The NCAA says that is enough of a benefit to get students to attend division one schools.

“I think these athletes are pushing it,” said Kelly Carmona, a liberal arts major at CCM. “Your education is paid for, and you get all your expenses covered. Whenever they go away, their travel and hotels are paid for. You get tuition and books paid for. If they get paid cash, they will use their money for other things and possibly ruin their careers by making dumb decisions. Yes, I understand the NCAA makes a ton of money off these athletes, but the athletes do get benefits from the school. It is kind of like teamwork; the NCAA uses these athletes, and these athletes use the NCAA as an opportunity for their careers.”

CCM students spring back into the semester after break

By Gina N. Fico
Features Editor

As students at County College of Morris have returned to school after spring break, some have described the time off as a time of refreshing and relaxing.

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A student studies in the upstairs LRC library. Photo by: Arianna Parks

Annie Sinegra, a music major focused on music and catched up on sleep during her time off. Sinegra said spring break gives students “a mental break” and gives students more time to be with their families.

“It gave me more time to relax and do what makes me happy”, said Sinegra.

She said she thinks spring break is at a perfect timing said everything should just stay the same because people are used to it and its benefits.

Aaron Yaqoob, a Biology major said that spring break is usually relaxing but this year it was not as enjoyable because of all the snow days and missed work that needed to be completed. He said that the snow days caused due dates to be pushed around which made it less relaxing. He added that he doubts spring break was not even as necessary this year because of  the snow days.

Yaqoob said that spring break can take away the pressure midterms bring

“It’s definitely a nice time to sort of unwind,” Yaqoob said.

He said during his spring break, he worked on lab reports and studied for tests he has this week. He said he thinks spring break is long enough because students have a lot of time off between the fall and spring semester.

Shane Courtney, a business administration major, said he went to the Bahamas with friends from other colleges over break. Courtney said the vacation helped a lot, that having a break from school helps students refocus, and that he hopes to maintain his grades for the second part of the semester.

“I spent a lot of time on the beach,” Courtney said. “We just hung out on the beach; that was really it.”

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A beach in the Bahamas, where a CCM student vacationed during spring break. Photo Courtesy of Facebook

Nicole Sautter, an early childhood education major said she used spring break to catch up on schoolwork.

“They are good because they give you a break from school and if you are behind it gives you time to catch up,” said Sautter, who added that she was able to get a transfer process that takes up a lot of time done for Montclair State University.

Ariel Solimando, an early childhood education major said she worked during spring break and now has two jobs.

“I picked up a lot of hours,” Solimando said. “It was just one less thing to do coming here.”

Solimando said she hopes that students are more focused after coming back from break and that more students want to be there be at college.

Utility workers set up base at CCM after nor’easter hits area

 

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Emergency Disaster Services employees Steve Pollock and
Mike Atherly take a break in the heated tent in Parking Lot 3.  Photo by: Brett Friedensohn

By Brett Friedensohn
Editor-in-Chief

As two storms piled 34 inches of snow on Randolph in early March, employees of JCP&L and out-of-state line service companies worked out of County College of Morris’ Parking Lot 3 to assist in restoring power to the estimated 200 thousand homes and businesses in New Jersey which lost electricity.

With consideration to the low traffic during spring break, the college granted these companies, as well as their housing agency Emergency Disaster Services, permission to use the property after the Monday, March 2 storm, and they stayed until Wednesday, March 14, according to Vice President of Business and Finance Karen VanDerhoof, who said that the college did not charge for the property and that the workers occasionally used Parking Lots 1 and 2 while Lot 3 needed to be plowed.

“We were happy to support the community,” VanDerhoof said.

The first storm dumped 11 inches on Randolph before an extra 23 was added Wednesday, March 7, according to the National Weather Service.

New Jersey governor Phil Murphy visited the CCM site the day of the second storm to thank the several hundred workers, many of whom were from out-of-state, according to New Jersey Advance Media. CCM president Dr. Anthony Iacono said that he met Murphy briefly while he toured the site.

“Very nice, very gracious, his whole purpose of being here was solely to thank the workers, identify that he understood that it was a challenging job, thank you for the hard work you’re doing,” Iacono said. “And he knew he was talking to that group was predominantly, I think out-of-staters and just said, ‘If we ever have the occasion to repay the favor, hopefully, we can send our trucks to your states.’ And so he was pretty nice. Hopefully, we get to have him back another time to talk more about the college.”

On the site, EDS’ trucks stationed mobile showers, bunking rooms, laundromats, food storage units, and kitchens. The agency also held porta potties and a heated tent with picnic tables lined up for the workers to eat. Outside the tent lay ice bags and cases of water and Gatorade bottles which, according to Director of Logistical Operations Jamey Gumm, the cold air naturally refrigerated.

EDS hosted approximately 600 JCP&L workers per night, according to Gumm, who arrived at around 6 a.m. Monday, March 5 from Kentucky, where she drove from with her workers from around 7 p.m. the previous evening when she received the call ordering her to set up base in New Jersey.

“We call these tent cities,” Gumm said. “We basically build a little city for these guys so they have a place to eat and sleep while they’re here.”

The JCP&L workers worked approximately 16 hours per day, according to Gumm, who said that she had a similar site in Flemington, New Jersey where there were approximately 1,400 more line workers.

Gumm has worked in disaster zones of other storms including Hurricane Katrina in 2005 and Hurricane Sandy in 2012.

“I love doing it, not so much for the cold,” Gumm said. “I shouldn’t say I like the hurricanes better, but I like the season that comes with it … only due to the fact that I don’t have to heat the tents; they’re air conditioned. It’s a little bit simpler. You don’t have to put turbo boosters on all the water units because the water’s all going to be warm. The good thing is that I can leave packets of ice sitting outside all night, and it doesn’t affect them. And my refrigerated trucks, in the summer, you’d have to keep them closed, but now, you can leave them open.”

Gumm said that she met Iacono when he toured the site.

“The man in charge came down here, and he goes, ‘This is not anything like what I was expecting,” Gumm said.

Iacono said he was impressed by the setup.

“They really set it up military style,” Iacono said. “It kind of reminded me of a M*A*S*H unit or something like that where they can pack up and go.”

Iacono said that CCM’s maintenance crew had worked overtime to plow the snow.

“Usually, what we try to do is stay on top of the snow, and it’s easier to move three inches at a time than three feet at a time,” Iacono said. “Of course, what they were also doing was trying to make sure that the interior roadways stayed open so the JCP&L trucks can get in and out of the campus back and forth, back and forth as well.”

CCM plans to break ground on new engineering building

By Deanna Roma
Staff Writer

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Prototyping instructor Eric Pedersen works on a CNC lathe in
CCM’s machine shop. Photo by: Brett Friedensohn

County College of Morris will expand one of their most popular academic areas by constructing a $10 million Engineering and Manufacturing Building predicted to begin in the early months of fall 2019, according to a press release by CCM.

The building will consist of 30,000 square feet of classrooms and labs. The exact location of the building is not yet finalized and will be determined in the near future, but one of the areas being considered is the patch of grass between the Health and Physical Education Building and the baseball field. Funds for this building are being fully provided by the state, the county, private donors, and private grants.

“The [building] was designed to support degree seeking students and provide training for existing employees at manufacturing companies throughout the region,” said Karen VanDerhoof, vice president for business and finance. “CCM’s new facility will allow the college to increase the number of students it serves … while also working [to] expand the number of partnerships it has with area employers.”

This high tech building will not only help with engineering majors and students seeking an associate degree for transfer purposes but will train individuals in fields involving production technicians, biomedical technicians, electronic assemblers, and maintenance technicians. With additional access to a new virtual hospital this building will also make a major impact in helping with future employment needs in the area and CCM’s health science program.

Some of the features that this building will include is two prototyping labs, quality control and measurement labs, a 3D printer room, 10 station welding labs, two electronic labs, materials labs, lecture halls and classrooms, faculty offices, and a student lounge.

CCM President Dr. Anthony Iacono said that the college administration had planned this for the “better part of the year” and that they had communicated about it with the Morris County Chamber of Commerce and members of local engineering, manufacturing, hospitality, technology, and health care to learn about the industry’s current challenges and projected growth. He said that what the industries all had in common that they expect rapid growth, meaning that they will need more workers for added jobs and to replace retiring workers.

“Understand that on any given day, we’re always talking to these industries,” Iacono said. “We’re in the community a lot, or they’re on the campus. And we do have an advisory committee for nearly all of our programs, and it’s industry specialists who have come in and talked about, ‘Hey, this is what’s happening in the current industry; this is what students need to know.’ It’s part of how we make sure our curriculum is current and it’s relevant so that students who are in various programs are going to come out with course skills that are useful for transfer or immediate work entry.”

Eric Pedersen, mechanical engineering technology and physics laboratories coordinator, said that he was excited for the updates because with the new equipment, his students will need more room to work. He said that his department probably has 20 students per section in the machine shop in downstairs Sheffield Hall.

“We really need about twice the amount of equipment so nobody’s getting a bottleneck on different projects,” said Pedersen, who teaches a prototyping class at CCM. “I think for the size of the room, we have the right amount of equipment . For the amount of students in the major, we need like double the space.”

Pedersen said he is excited to introduce the Haas brand of mills, which perform the functions of drill presses but with moving tables. Haas will replace the CNC brand, which Pedersen said will not give students the proper training they need.

“They’re good mills, but they’re not what the students are going to see in the workforce,” Pedersen said. “They’re going to see the Haas stuff.”

SATIRE: Student who already wears tee shirts, shorts awarded administrative medal of toughness

By Brett Friedensohn
Editor-in-Chief

The County College of Morris president presented his distinguished medal of toughness Tuesday, March 27 to Jake Folio, this one guy who already walks around in a tee shirt and shorts, allowing just his pulsating muscles to protect him from the cold as the Foo Fighters’ song “My Hero” plays over the emergency speakers whenever he steps foot outside a building on CCM property.

“It became clear to me when I saw this courageous student strolling to class today, I had to award his testosterone by giving out this medal for the second time in the college’s history,” said CCM administrator Dr. Jeff Cuck, who noted that the only other time since the college opened that this medal was given out was in 1971 when this really chill professor shared LSD with his entire class. “Standing out here in a fluffy coat and ski gloves, I can only wish that someday, I will possess this student’s courage.”

When presented the opportunity to give an acceptance speech, Folio said, “Yeah, I guess it’s not really that cold out. It’s like 40 degrees. It’s not that bad.”

Human anatomy professor Stephanie Austin said that in some but few men exists a gene which allows them to withstand the cold temperatures of late winter without any mild discomfort.

The Youngtown Satirical Research Team has found research to suggest that no one at County College of Morris stands a chance at getting any compared to this guy because 69 percent of CCM students would leave a partner if awarded the opportunity to brush up against the triceps this resilient man.

“Sure, it’s hot when guys are inefficient enough with their energy to wear beanies in summer, but manliness radiates out of a guy who takes on exposure to the natural elements when it is unseasonable to do so,” said sociology major Susan Longo.

Business administration major Seth Anderson said that he had touched this man. The Youngtown Satirical Research team was unable to confirm these claims.

“I only grazed his abs across the rip of his tee shirt, but seconds turned to hours,” Anderson said. “I saw the face of God, and he said to me, ‘Yup, this is it. This is the greatest moment of your life.’ And how could I argue with him? His six pack game was too on fleek for any mortal to handle.”

Youngtown satirical staff reached out to God multiple times with requests for comment but received no reply at press time.

Editor’s Note: Satire editor John Dumm did not contribute to the editorial process of this article as he died when seeing Folio’s picture. For the safety of its readers, Youngtown decided to not release the photo.

SATIRE: April Postponed, Winter Season to start over from January

By John Dumm
Satire Editor

Shelve your pranks and go back to the snowboard; the Youngtown Edition Supernatural Weather Column is thoroughly wracked with mixed emotion to announce that, in the wake of the four consecutive Nor’ Easters that collectively devastated New England and northeastern infrastructure and closed the school for over a cumulative week, and in anticipation of the fifth, Sunday, April 1 has been pushed forward three months to Sunday; July 1 in favor of reinitializing the calendar from January in an attempt to get the weather right.

Fearing backlash from the student community over the admittedly sensible decision to recalibrate winter, the Committee for Campus Security (CCMCCS) has approached the Youngtown Edition to guide the student body through these increasingly surreal times.

“Before anyone panics, I would like to reassure the student body that this move was planned out well in advance,” said campus security director Eugene Knuckles. “We drafted the plans the same week Morris the News Knight returned with the frozen corpse of Punxsutawney Phil.”

As the first of our Catastrophic Weather Statistical Analysts, John Dinner has been well trained and thoroughly prepared to lead and assuage the populace in scenarios exactly like this complete with explicit instructions to cover up and refrain from revealing the deaths of beloved folk-holiday community leaders such as the groundhog from Groundhog Day, which he has apparently elected to ignore.

“News from the News Knight’s report says the late woodchuck emerged from his hole to an ‘all-consuming light-starved void of stygian darkness’ extending around his temporary home for 20 feet in every direction, prompting him to audibly scream and sprint directly to the bottom of his hole, digging with enough ferocity to throw dirt to the tunnel’s entrance for at least 6 hours after the initial discovery. There has been no word on the ontological status of holiday copatron Bill Murray as of this report.”

Providing a more measured, less informationally volatile response, Professor of Applied Eschatology Anderson Graham provides his perspective on recent events below:

“Clearly, this is the beginning of Fimbulvetr, the three consecutive winters said to herald the nordic Apocalypse and the concurrent extinction of mankind and their gods. In the wake of this news, CCM has prepared a modified schedule of study in which each consecutive January is open for separate course registrations under the standard rulings, in an attempt to rapidly train a scholarly force that might avert the icebound end. I would recommend new and returning students look towards High Energy Industrial Arboreal Agriculture, as detailed in the prophetic Prose Edda here, here, and here.”

Lastly, addressing more measured concerns, the esteemed Matthew Bristol, chairman of CCM’s board of weather-based decisions, has taken a leave from his legal proceedings against the (dismantled) Youngtown Artificial Predictive Libel Engine to address more standard public concerns.

“The School Board and associates have taken great pains to inform me that all midterm testing and project management is expected to be complete and in teacher files by April now loop to Jan. 1 regardless of the school’s state of glacial vitrification,” Bristol said. “All late submissions will be penalized as per normal the moment the relevant professors thaw out sometime during the summer semester. Furthermore, while the campus will offer improved GPA scaling to complement the vastly increased general difficulty and Eldritch Exams found on Loop 2 Courses and beyond, they wish to explicitly clarify that no students will be charged again for their current courses or penalized for repeating the year.”

Thus far, the Youngtown has been able to address every public issue with the ruling save to student concerns, one as to whether or not school will be closed tomorrow, and one concerning whether the glacial pace of 2018 Januaries combined with their calibrational repetition could lead to the artificial compression of two full years into the 2018 winter season. To alert us to other issues potentially caused by the month of April missing timing, contact the Youngtown at youngtownedition@gmail.com.