Author: FriedInTheSun

Women’s soccer team hopeful for rebound after mid-season losses

By Connor Iapoce
Sports Editor

The women’s soccer team at County College of Morris performed strongly with a three-game winning streak at the start of their season, but these impressive wins were soon followed by a four-game losing streak before the Titans won again.

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  Keisy Ramos and Kylie Scinto defend against Mercer County Community College in a 4-1 win for CCM on Wednesday, Oct. 4. Photos by Brett Friedensohn

Their overall National Junior College Athletic Association record is 4-4 with a Region XIX record of 1-3 at presstime. Regardless, players and coaches are impressed with how the team is shaping up this year.

“I can’t fault their effort and determination and just their focus coming in that they want to get better every game,” said Roger Stephens, head coach of the Lady Titans. “I mean, that’s the key. If you have that kind of motivation, you’re just going to get better.”

Stephens, the assistant director of athletics at CCM and a veteran coach in his 25th season with the soccer program, is supported in turn by a staff of three newcomers in their first season on the team, consisting of assistant coach Vincent Catizone, assistant coach Alex Katz, and assistant coach Vincenzo Bernardo. The team also has two student assistants, Taylor Fehnel and Zabrina Gale whose two-seasons limits imposed by NJCAA expired last year, in their first year with this role.

“I mean, the real key to success is just, number one, you want to get the best staff you can,” Stephens said. “Number two, it’s all about recruiting at the college level. If you’re not getting out beating the bushes all the time, you’re not going to get those extra players from different schools. The other part of it is just the preparation and the professionalism that I think our staff brings everyday to practices and games.”

The Lady Titans have an impressive roster consisting of eight returners and nine rookie players. They are led by three sophomore captains, Amanda Lawrence, Stephanie Williams, and returning captain Raenna Cope.

“Being a Titan gives you purpose,” said Raenna Cope, a sophomore business administration major and center back captain. “It’s not like just coming to school and going home, it’s like a whole other family.”

Freshman striker Samantha Corrales is the team’s leading scorer with 11 goals and one assist for a total of 19 points at presstime. She recorded a hat trick in her team’s 4-1 win against Mercer County Community College Wednesday, Oct. 4.

CMYKWomen's soccer 054

Striker Samantha Corrales chases a mid-air ball at the game against Mercer County Community College Wednesday, Oct. 4.

“Another key is our leading scorer Samantha Corrales, who got [Garden State Athletic Conference] player of the week the second week of the season, which is phenomenal when you consider there are teams in the region,” Stephens said. “We also have three first-year all-region players who are returning this year, so hopefully they have a second shot at it.”

The season started strong during the home opener against Cumberland County College Saturday, Sept. 2. The match was a high scoring offensive win for the Titans with a final score of 7-1.

Defense would subsequently prove to be a strong factor in the success of the Titans, during a series of four away games in the schedule.

The following two games played were both strong defensive wins, including two impressive shutouts for sophomore goalkeeper Kayla Beal.

Beal averaged 1.7 goals per game at presstime. The Lady Titans average 1.86 goals per game, according to NJCAA statistics.

A 1-0 win Saturday, Sept. 9 against Bucks County Community College was followed by a 3-0 win against Middlesex County College Thursday, Sept. 14.

Bernardo is new to the organization, but he is no stranger to the sport of soccer, having played professionally in Italy and Guatemala. Bernardo said he is still growing into his role in the new environment, but he is impressed with his team’s players’ own growth both on and off the field and is excited for what is to come at the end of the season.

“My prediction is obviously just to play good soccer every game that we have,” Bernardo said about his predictions for the season’s outcome. “We obviously want to win; we want to be competitive, so that’s always the goal. But the short term goal is to get better each practice and win each game that is coming up.”

An away loss of 0-1 at Rowan College at Gloucester County Saturday, Sept. 16 was followed the next week by an away loss of 0-1 at Sussex County Community College Thursday, Sept. 21.

“I think we can do great things,” said Lawrence, a sophomore human services major and outside left midfielder.  “I think we are kinda at a little standstill right now, but once we get our heads back into it, I think we can go pretty far. We have great potential.”

The biggest deficit for the Titans this season came against Essex County College with a 1-7 away loss Tuesday, Sept. 26. Stephens referred to this game as a blip in their performance, not a result of lack of team effort or determination.

The latest game for the Lady Titans was a double overtime loss against Rowan College at Burlington County. The score was 1-1 through regular play after a goal by Lawrence in the 82nd minute to tie up the match. The Lady Titans would allow no goals through the first overtime but trailed after a game-winning goal for RCBC in the second overtime, making the final score 1-2.

The Lady Titans are focused on improvement both on and off the field. Stephens said the players regularly condition in the weight room to improve their fitness. The captains emphasized the importance of communication in a game setting.

“The key to success is communication,” Lawrence said. “Being on the same page with the girls, especially having a deep team bond.”

“I would say, finding each other on the field is a key to success,” Cope said.

The captains say the team is close-knit and bond outside of school, which helps them find success on the field. A Titan is more than just a competitive player on the soccer field.

“Being a Titan makes you want to be successful, because you know, you have your name to it,” Lawrence said. “You’re associated with the school; you’re associated with yourself, and you want to win. You want to do good things.”

The coaching staff’s ultimate goal this season is to reach the NJCAA regional tournament.

“Ideally the focus is always to get to the region tournament and beyond,” Stephens said. “Then, the bottom line is you’ve just gotta get focused and get better every game and every day you step on the field, whether it is practice or a game.”

The Lady Titans’ next home game is at 3:30 p.m. Thursday, Oct. 12 against Raritan Valley Community College.

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Gubernatorial powers dictate future

Election primer: what CCM Students Need to Know

BY CAROLINE O’BRIEN
Contributor

Registered New Jersey voters will elect a new governor, 40 state senators, 80 state gen- eral assembly members, and 40 county freeholders during the statewide election Tuesday, Nov. 7.

As incumbent Gov. Chris Christie has reached his term limits, voters will have the chance to elect his replacement in a race between the Democrat- ic candidate Phil Murphy and the Republican candidate Lt. Gov. Kim Guadagno.

County College of Morris is in New Jersey’s 25th Legislative District; the candidates on the ballot include Anthony Bucco Sr. and Lisa Bhimani for Senate; Michael P. Carroll, Anthony M. Bucco Jr., Thomas Moran, and Richard Corcoran for General Assembly; and Heather Darling and Rozella Clyde for Freehold- er.

All politics begin at the local level; the elected candidates will represent communities through- out New Jersey for the next two to four years. These representatives will decide on laws and budgets that will directly affect New Jersey communities. For ac- curate representation, residents may vote for the candidates with values and ideas similar to their own.

Mark Washburne, an associate professor of history and political science at CCM, said that the results of the gubernatorial election will give the public an idea of the state’s general senti- ments toward state politics as well as federal.

“Pundits will be viewing the outcome of the two governors’ contests as an early test on the success of the Trump Adminis- tration and, in New Jersey, on the popularity of the Christie Ad- ministration, as Gov. Christie’s Lt. Gov. Kim Guadagno, is the Republican candidate,” Wash- burne said in an email.

Amanda Clark, a business major at CCM and a registered Republican, said she probably won’t vote in the gubernatorial election.

John Aliotta attends CCM for video game design, and he said he will probably register to vote and participate in the elec- tion.

Gubernatorial candidates

Guadagno is the Republican candidate for governor running with Carlos Rendo as her lieu- tenant governor. Guadagno has been lieutenant governor of New Jersey since 2010. According to her of cial campaign website, she plans to take politics out of transportation funding and pri- oritize projects based on need, congestion relief, safety and economic development. Gua- dagno plans to negotiate a fair

deal to ensure secure retirement for thousands of public work- ers, cut property tax by capping school taxes at 5 percent per annual household income, ex- pand school choices, and reform school funding.

Murphy is the Democratic candidate running with Sheila Oliver as his lieutenant governor. According to the candidate’s’ of- cial website, Murphy has spent his career learning how econo- mies grow and has many plans for New Jersey, including invest- ments in infrastructure to create new jobs and stronger, equal- ized wages; create public banks for small business investments; make college more affordable; fund women’s health programs; change ineffective tax breaks that only bene t large corpora- tions; property tax relief that starts with fully funding public schools; and reform New Jer- sey’s criminal justice system, in- cluding legalization of marijuana to bring in new revenues.

Seth Kaper-Dale is a Green Party progressive running with Lisa Durden as his lieutenant governor. According to his cam- paign website, Kaper-Dale plans to create new income tax brackets to increase contribution from millionaires, decrease property tax, lower college costs, save state pensions, and allow single- payer Medicare to save money. He plans to open public banks to extend credit toward clean water, transportation infrastructure, and low-interest student loans. He promotes sanctuary cities, equal pay, minimum wage of $15 per hour and fully funding public education with increased child care and after-school programs. Kaper-Dale also promotes renewable energy, plans to halt fossil fuel pipeline expansion and confront polluters harming poor communities. He plans to reform the criminal justice system by legalizing marijuana, eliminating racial disparity, ending mandatory sentencing minimums upon incarceration, providing the imprisoned with decent labor wages, and giving the imprisoned the right to vote.

Peter J. Rohrman is a Libertarian candidate running with Karrese Laguerre as his lieutenant governor. Rohrman’s campaign website explains that his “Fiscal Democracy” plan will eliminate property tax, gas tax, sales tax, vehicle registration fees, and limit income tax to 10 percent, allowing individuals to choose the government programs their tax payments will fund. He advocates voucher programs to allow municipalities to cut their educational costs in half while improving education and giving parents a choice of where their child attends school. Rohrman plans to legalize marijuana with- out need of government permits or additional taxes, and anticipates the use of executive power to reduce the drinking, smoking,

and gambling ages to 18.
Gina Genovese is an independent candidate for governor running with Darel Stroud as her lieutenant governor. According to her website, Genovese plans to reduce property taxes by 15 percent, review pension management fees and seek better op- tions, build on our educational and business partnerships to stimulate growth, build new af- fordable housing units by 2022, and protect the environment.

Matthew Riccardi of the Constitution Party pledges to maintain the highest ethical standards. His main goal is to restore trust and integrity to the gover- nor’s of ce. According to his website, he promises to conduct a thorough review of every department under the authority of the governor and audit the state government starting with the Executive Branch. Those who abuse funds will be expelled from their positions and judicial proceedings. He will also veto any legislation that increases state spending or debt.

Vincent Ross of the We the People Party will be running with April A. Johnson as his lieutenant governor. He aspires to represent the working people of New Jersey.

Senatorial candidates

Lisa Bhimani is the Demo- cratic candidate for senator, running a joint campaign with Democratic general assembly candidates Richard Corcoran and Thomas Moran. Their of- cial website focuses on issues such as women’s continued struggle against discrimination and resistance to equal pay for equal work. They also plan to take steps to make gun owner- ship safer, and continue to ght for affordable, universal health care for all residents.

Anthony Bucco Sr., the Re- publican incumbent, was elected to the chamber in 1997. Bucco is running for re-election in a joint campaign with Anthony M. Bucco Jr. and Michael P Carroll. Bucco Sr. has been involved with the New Jersey Labor Commit- tee, Joint Budget and Oversight Committee and the Budget and Appropriations committee.

General Assembly candidates

Anthony M. Bucco Jr. a Re- publican candidate from Boon- ton, was elected to the Chamber in 2009. Since then, he has served on the Committee of Commerce and Economic Development and the Budget Committee.

Michael Patrick Carroll, Re- publican incumbent from Mor- ris Plains, was elected to the Chamber in 1995. He earned his Bachelor of arts in history and political science from Johns Hopkins University and his J.D. from Rutgers School of Law. Since 1995 he has served on ve committees including Judiciary, Law and Public Safety; State and Local Government; Joint Committee on Housing; and the Affordability Committee. He also has experience as an adjunct professor at the County College of Morris.

Thomas Moran, a Demo- cratic candidate from Randolph, earned his Master’s Degrees from Columbia University and Montclair State University. He believes economic growth must be coupled with conserving re- sources and safeguarding the environment. He believes that the best way to make lives better is to grow the economy by developing a skilled workforce through elementary, secondary, and university education.

Richard Corcoran, a Democratic candidate from Boonton, is a certified public accountant, holding additional accreditation in business valuation. He notices that the state needs elected officials who understand the duciary responsibility, not only for today’s residents, but for the future residents as well.

County Freeholder candidates

Heather Darling, is the Republican candidate for freeholder and a self-proclaimed “conservative businesswoman.” She has volunteered with the Morris County Housing Partnership and the County College of Morris Women’s Center. According to her campaign website, Darling would like to see programs at County College of Morris and Morris County School of Technology that provide a viable la- bor force for both small and large business in Morris County.

Dr. Rozella Clyde is the Democratic candidate for free- holder. She is a dedicated leader who spent over 40 years as a social studies teacher. Accord- ing to her website, she plans to sustain the economy through fair labor policies, affordable housing, safe havens for refugees and

immigrants, placing emphasis on locally owned businesses, and creating job fairs at high schools and CCM.

Public questions

Voters will also be responsible for answering yes or no on two public questions. The first question grants bonds for public libraries; voting “yes” on this question supports authorizing the state to issue $125 million in bonds to provide grants to public libraries. The state librarian would develop the eligibility criteria for libraries to receive grants covering 50 percent of the cost of projects. The other 50 percent would be provided by a library’s local government and private donors. A “no” vote op- poses the authorization of said bonds.

Public Question Two is a motion to dedicate revenue from environmental damage lawsuits to environmental projects. To vote “yes” supports the use of state revenue from legal settlements related to natural resource damages in cases of environmental contamination toward repairing, restoring, replacing, and protecting natural resources and paying the costs of pursuing said settlements. Voting “no” indicates opposition to this amendment and allows the current revenue from these lawsuits to continue to be used for any state purpose; a large portion of this revenue has already been used to balance the state budget.

Residents have the ability to direct the government through elected of officials. With many controversial policies arising, participation in elections is increasingly important. Registering to vote is quick and easy when you visit this link: http://www.state. nj.us/state/elections/form_pdf/ voter-regis-forms/68-voter-reg- istration-english.pdf.

Jukebox app service to be added to cafeterias

By Nick Sisti
Contributor

In mid-October 2017, County College of Morris will be implementing the services of Rockbot, a “jukebox” app which allows patrons of a given public space to influence the soundtrack by requesting songs from their smartphones and voting on the next track to be played. Since its inception in 2013, Rockbot has been used by companies such as McDonald’s, Buffalo Wild Wings, GAP, and Jetblue.
Tentatively, the service will be available in the Cohen Café and LRC Café which serves Starbucks products.

The addition of the jukebox app is the latest in a string of CCM cafeteria renovations, most of which culminated in late August. Cohen Hall Café’s Quiznos and Chickendipity have been replaced with a new “Create” section by Chartwells, and the food service area of the student center has been removed in favor of vending machines filled with fresh food.

According to Rockbot’s website, the company aims to “change the way businesses everywhere control their soundtracks and engage their guests.” Students will be able to request tracks from a preselected list of songs, and they even have the ability to create playlists of their favorite songs which the app automatically requests whenever they walk into a Rockbot enabled space.

While many students are excited to be able to have a say in the lunchtime playlist, some feel that the school cafeteria environment doesn’t necessarily require a soundtrack.

“I think it can be a bit disruptive,” said Hope Motzenbecker, a communication major at CCM. “If I’m at an actual restaurant, I think the music is part of the ambience. If it’s a Mexican restaurant, for example, you’d expect to hear Mexican music. It adds to the overall vibe. But I’m not sure if the cafeteria atmosphere needs music.”

For others, the volume of the music either makes or breaks the equation.

“The only time I notice the music is when I’m in the LRC café,” said Valentina Marmolejo, a communication major at CCM. “I used to do a lot of my work there my first year here, but now I feel like because the music is being incorporated it’s becoming more of a hangout place instead of a work place.”

Despite these grievances, Marmolejo remains quite fond of certain aspects of the soundtrack, particularly Train’s 2001 hit “Drops of Jupiter.”

“It’s a bop,” Marmolejo said.

In regards to the recent food option alterations, some students appreciate the added personalization.

“I like how customizable the Create options are,” said Alexa Metro, a broadcasting major at CCM. “It’s so much more personalized than other create-your-own places. The amount of combinations you can put together is crazy.”

However, others haven’t been happy with the administration rustling things up.

“Personally, I’m not a fan of the changes,” said Shane Sayre, a liberal arts major at CCM. “I usually hang out in the ping pong room, so it’s kind of a bummer that they took out a ton of the options in the student center café. Plus, I can’t even find the things they had there at the Cohen Café now. There’s no pizza.”

Glassblowing comes to Morristown with new art class

By Dan Brodhead
Contributor

New to the fall semester, County College of Morris has partnered with an off-campus art school to offer a glassblowing class.

The new class, Beginning Glassblowing I (ART-250), offered at the Morris County School of Glass (MSCOG) in Morristown,  is a three-credit free elective in which students can learn about the history of glassblowing and create delicate, crafted glasswork. Currently, the MSCOG has one class for CCM students on Thursdays from 1 p.m. to 4:20 p.m. at 89 Whippany Road.

The process of making a glassblowing class available to CCM students would not have been possible without the help of Art and Pat Plonski, owners of MSCOG.

“Art took a glassblowing glass many years ago and fell in love with it,” said Dr. Bruce Dutra, dean of liberal arts at CCM. “He loved it so much that he wanted a glassblowing class in Morris County.”

They decided to buy a small gas station garage on the outskirts of Morristown and dedicated two and a half years of renovation to offer glassblowing to the public starting in the spring of 2017. From there, Plonski reached out to Clay Allen, an art and design professor at CCM, who then told Dutra that interest in glassblowing among CCM students was quite high.

The challenge was filling seats. With a cost of $1,500, not every student is able to afford this class. For the fall class, seven students are currently enrolled.

While New Jersey has a long history of glassblowing, MCSOG is the only school of its kind in northwest New Jersey.

Plonski is considering a second glassblowing class, Intermediate Glassblowing (Glassblowing II), for which Beginning Glassblowing I will be a prerequisite. If there is enough interest, Dutra and Plonski want to add more classes next school year.

“We are definitely going to be offering this class again in the spring,” Dutra said. “Instead of Thursdays, the class will be on Friday afternoons.”

Glasswork is hard to make a living on. The average salary for glassblowers in the United States was $29 thousand in 2015, according to the U.S. Department of Labor Bureau of Labor Statistics. However, students interested in the field have few other options around, according to MSCOG studio manager Michelle Knox.

“There’s nothing like this class through any surrounding college,” Knox said. “It was perfectly designed to bring college students into the world of glass.”

Some students have already found this new class curious and want to gain knowledge about glassblowing.

“There are so many talented people at school; this class is going to gain popularity,” said Luis Tosado, a musical theater major at CCM. “I would love to take this class.”

Freshmen seek fresh start in first year at CCM

By Brian Schnell
Features Editor

As it dawns on that time of year when school opens, temperatures change, and academics get into full swing, County College of Morris veterans have the opportunity to welcome first year students.

Kaitlin Dias, one of the counselors on campus, said that all first year students should not assume that the strategies that have been used in pre-college academics will work in college. Keeping up with all the work in class, regardless of the difficulty, will be a key aspect of students’ first year as well as full college success. Major services and features, Dias believes, are the best for first year student to become familiar with are the counseling office and the professors themselves. Making an appointment at the counseling office is quite useful as the counselors can help with everything from stress, time management to personal issues. Dias also said that all the services provided by the counseling office are free as well as confidential and that students have every right to make use of the counseling office and services provided.

Dias said she had a welcome message for the first year students.

“Welcome to CCM; you’ve made a great choice in coming here and it’s a great first step to new opportunities,” Dias said.

One student, Dan Wynne, said he was expecting more control over his own academics than he had in high school as well as having an increased workload.

First year students, like others, have a wide variety of majors with some undecided. One student, Komalah Smr, said she had settled on the major of actuarial science, the study of the trends of businesses, to predict the risks and their percentages because she has always been driven to success despite the risks she may have to take.

Christina Day said that she heard that college can be fun and that life is one’s oyster.

Furthermore, many students fear student loan debts or debts in general as well as that the courses will be hard. Cynthia Hunt said that she heard time management skills will be tested as well as keeping from being stressed.

Garrett LaVacca would change how accepting people were of him and how they treated him.

Cynthia Hunt said she would change how outgoing she was, “But everything else I’m proud of.”

CCM parking lots ranked from the bottom to the top

By: Michelle Mardis
Contributor

“Hey, are you leaving? Can I take your spot?” This is a common statement made by County College of Morris students. Now, you might be wondering, how are we going to rank this? Well, It’s based on convenience, location, and availability. We won’t even go into Lot 10. I personally don’t even count it as a lot. Lot 10 is the Public Safety lot and really isn’t used for students to park throughout the day.

  1. Lot Eight
8

Photos by: Brian Schnell

As a student, you can’t park there. It’s just there to taunt your soul as you struggle to find parking. As professors casually stroll in at any time of the day, you are having close call accidents in Lot Seven. Parking is hard for us students.

  1. Lot Five

    5

Yes, you can park here but after 5 p.m. By that time, you aren’t even struggling to find a spot anymore! It’s as simple as that. It’s not even that convenient. It’s in the middle of nowhere, basically. You have to walk to get to the academic buildings. The only place this it’s convenient for is Henderson Hall, and who goes there other than administration and one or two classes?

  1. Lot One

This lot, situated below “Cardiac Attack Hill,”

1

is meant for those special individuals who enjoy running out of breath or simply don’t mind hills as a whole. They park here and never break a sweat. I applaud them immensely. I am in no way, shape, or form ready to take on that hill. I avoid it at all costs.

  1. Lot Two

   2

You think you’re going a shorter distance compared to Lot One, but you’re actually going up the same dang hill. Think about it for a moment and time yourself, if you dare to do so. This requires actually parking in Lots One and Two for experimental purposes.

  1. Lot Three

    Steps, steps, and more steps.

3

If you enjoy trudging up flights of steps and then back down at the end of the day, this is surely the lot for you! Not for me, but for you! Enjoy those steps; that’s all I have to say.

 

 

 

4.Lot Four

You still did not hit the jackpot by parking here.

4

You avoided a flight of stairs. That’s impressive, but you still have ways to go. Best of luck to you.

 

3. Lot Nine

 

    Yes, it’s a walk, but there are no hills.

9It’s a perfectly relaxing walk to your designated destination. How nice is that? As long as you aren’t late for class, I highly recommend this lot.

  1. Lot Seven

This lot is hard to get a spot in at certain parts of the day; if you’re lucky, you will find someone who is leaving and take their spot. It’s all about timing.

7

My recommendation is to arrive when classes are just getting out. You will always find someone leaving in this case.

  1. Lot Six

    If you get a spot in this lot at any point in the day, you have hit the jackpot. Right in front of the Student Community Center, it is a perfect location that leads you directly to where you need to be!

6

It is very rare to get a decent spot but Lot Six is the absolute best location across campus. If you see a spot there, go get it. Don’t waste any time because some people will disregard the one-way signs just to get that spot. Follow the rules, but get there as quickly as you can.

You may or may not agree with what order these are in, but you have to agree with at least one thing on this list. “Are you leaving?” is necessary, but it is annoying if you are on the receiving end of the question. We all do it, but at the end of the day, do you fight for a spot or park far away? Each lot has its positives and negatives. It’s up to each individual to decide; which lot will it be?

 

SATIRE: Textbook prices soar, students pursue alternate educational materials

By John Dumm
Satire Editor

Literally no one owns a legitimate, school-sponsored copy of the textbook for the Thursday and Saturday 3:05 p.m. statistics class taught by Dr. Xavier Bush, a recent survey by the Youngtown Satirical Research Team has found.

Most of the students said that they refused to buy the textbook, I Just Wrote This So I Can Retire by former CCM statistics professor Andrew Gallows, because they could not afford the $420.69 cost of the Pearson-published textbook required for all statistics classes.

“Well, we walked to the back of the shop, saw copies of Gallow’s book for 400-something bucks and reported the school store to the Better Business Bureau for their extortionate pricing schema,” said hobbyist mathematician Alex Jared Styles, helpfully bundling the obscene quantity of expletives used in his exposition into a single, easily omissible paragraph-length rant. “Last I heard, they only got in half as many ‘Good Job’ stickers as they ordered, which is either a ridiculously poor legal punishment or a very illegal money laundering gambit. Could be both. Either way, this shortage is going to cause a massive dip in the number of students recognized for exemplary work.”

In the meantime, the student body has been struggling to cope with the ridiculous location based pricing at the School store- many of them resorting to means that do not require a book whatsoever.

“In standard mathematics courses, it’s easy,” said Jace Wang, a self-proclaimed culinary smuggling expert. “Stultifyingly hard, but, y’know, fair about it. The books barely explain the core concepts, their indexes are harder to use than Wikipedia, and half the time if you poke an adjunct professor hard enough they’ll squeal out a random selection of homework questions like you just woke them from an amphetamine-induced sleep-deprivation nightmare about postgraduate theses. So you just hunker down with a net-capable computer, an established mathematician, and a pointy stick.”

The model standard mathematicians have taken seems to be an extremely popular form of learning aide throughout the hard sciences and rigorous humanities, used even by more orthodox students during the 1 p.m. to 3 p.m. classes between finding out what books they need and receiving them from Chegg or other non-monopolistic online retailers.

“As long as you have a notebook, external resources for vocabulary and quirky grammar, and a willingness to stay conscious through your 8 a.m. classes, you can basically hold parity with the top of the class,” said French major Philippe Thomas. “I literally just kept my hand to the notebook in class and started watching anime in French- first exam, 94 percent. Learning to use unorthodox sources in your education is the single most helpful thing you can do in college- it improves your grades, self-confidence, rate of learning, and most importantly your taste in television. If you’ll excuse me, I need to go lobby something with the Asian Student Association.”

Methods like this have spread to every class with textbooks above $30 in-school, only skipping over English composition courses with hilariously easy alternative sources and correspondingly cheap materials. However, new developments in educational exploitation could spell trouble for even those student communes who got around book-based homework by collectively funding a single extortionate purchase.

Following a 30-minute unprintable diatribe towards the educational conglomerate Pearson, Christina Jericho urged the Youngtown Satirical Research Team to defund, defame, and protest any classes using their software. Running at an average of $100 for an online access code without the relevant textbook, students campuswide consider Pearson to be the greatest threat to their financial solvency outside of 4-year schooling, made worse by its mandatory inclusion in every soft-mathematical or business degree.

“The microeconomic curriculum used to self-select for the best, most resourceful, most motivated, and generally diplomatically professional students simply by their ability to get away with a nonexistent or insufficiently legal copy of the text, producing graduates widely claimed to be more economically savvy than most world leaders,” Jericho said. “And the strong oral tradition of the macroeconomics program, which had predictively given up on written language altogether, was the gem of the CCM liberal arts department. Now the only people who can learn how money works are the bourgeoise, incompetent fatcats rich enough to treat it like a liability.”

Jericho recommended that prospective students in this track take the controversial move of majoring in liberal arts, taking a gap year to work in the service industry on Wall Street, and somehow convincing a store regular to let you use his diploma.