SATIRE: Local Satirist Plagiarizes Self

By John Dumm
Satire Editor
The Youngtown Edition is absolutely and thoroughly bereaved to report yet another crime against journalistic decency as committed by Rogue Satirist John Dumm, who continues to use his unparallelled degree of academic irrelevance for evil. As of Friday, April 13, at 10:25 a.m., the legally deceased former columnist had attempted to turn in one of his own satire pieces in place of a final exam for Advanced Compositional Memetics (YGO 413). Editor-in-Chief Brett Friedensohn has agreed to coordinate with CCM Postmortem Communications adjuncts and the contracted head of the experimental Memetics Department, Cohen Edenfield, to relay the last known sightings of CCM’s most aggravating funnyman.

“Believe me, we are absolutely devastated by his latest loss,” Friedensohn relates, the increasingly contrived disappearances of his satire editor driving him into fits of tearful mania punctuated by what we are assured is less raucous laughter than a particularly nasty strain of tragedy hiccup.  “This is, what, the third time this year? First the coded insults to the Board of Directors, then the lawsuit with him, the libel machine, Fake Matthew and that Artix rep … What did him in this time? I hear it was, uh…”

Edenfield, the lesser known Cohen to whomst the hall was dedicated in secret by monks, has been asked to elaborate: “He, uh, handed me his paper, I started scanning stacks of them through the new SafeAssign processor we had wheeled in, and the thing went blaring red, pulled up three separate documents from the online storage of some newspaper nobody by the name of John Dumm. Works for some school piece called the Youngtown? Never heard of it, would’ve been the perfect crime were it not for the scanner thingy.”

Dodging the deep, soul-rending glares of Friedensohn, Cohen motions for his legal aide to finish the recount:

“The moment the sirens went off, five campus security officials in full riot gear busted in, carrying shotguns. They tackled John, shackled him to a golf cart they had gotten through the door , and drove off somewhere no one in this room has clearance to know about. They also shot and bagged a few members of the vaping team, but, well,”

At this point, Edenfield allowed himself a legally inadvisable interjection yelled from his Secure Debriefing / Trustee Loyalty Chamber to clarify: “I texted their parents, and they offered to split the life insurance 50/50 if I kept their names away from the vaping team. Think I heard one of those party noisemakers go off over the phone!”

Capping off the tragedy, Friedensohn has prepared a short, heartfelt eulogy for the dearly thrice-departed jokemonger, as composed by famed school poet and head of the Promethean Revival Project, Michelle Wossname:

“If any students witness a golf cart speeding on campus, do not report the sighting. If any students witness a torn, ragged pile of riot gear covered in what appears to be car battery cleaner, do not report the sighting. Monday / Wednesday classes covering the History of Modern and early modern Europe are expected to be haunted for some time within the next three weeds; do not report the sightings and do not, we repeat do not leave unattended food, literature or electronics near the lecture room walls. Any last thoughts from Cohen Edenfield? Yeah, actually, the biggest tip off was that he turned in the whole newspaper, flipped to put his article on top.”

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