Campus-wide search for student vaping between classes

Satire Editor

County College of Morris security officials began a massive campus-wide manhunt on Feb. 21 for a rogue student caught taking hits from a vape pen between classes.

“This is a dangerous individual who shows a flagrant disregard for the rule of law,” said an unidentified campus official. “Without rules, we’re no better than the animals. We may as well be geese. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to live in a world we’re all vaping geese.”

The search for the student has already injured several campus security officials who inhaled some of the vapor trails while in pursuit of the student. As tens of officials scramble to find the fugitive vaper, officials advise that students who encounter him to be on guard as he is “mildly dangerous.”

The as-of-yet unidentified student was caught on security footage across campus releasing trails of vapor on his journey between classes and appears to be a 5’10” male in an Avenged Sevenfold hoodie.

“See, the problem you have there is that you just described every vaper on campus,” said Tom Cloudston, a pro-vaping rights activist. “It’s a slippery slope, you know, stopping every guy who’s 5’10” in an Avenged Sevenfold hoodie and searching them. It’s profiling, is what it is.”

Cloudston has advised vapers on campus to be on alert and remember their rights. In an effort to self-police the community before further regulatory restraints are put in place, he is calling for the vaping community at large to report this individual if they see him.

Vaping is a serious offense and individuals convicted of vaping on campus face prison terms from 15 years to life and a fine of up to $12,000. Students charged with vaping who have successfully avoided conviction are often still subject to social ostracization.

“I used to vape from time to time on campus,” said Johnny Jabro, a student who was charged with vaping. “Even though they couldn’t prove it and let me go, my friends wouldn’t even look me in the eyes after that and we just drifted. Now I wander the halls alone, left to repent for the error of my ways.”

Jabro advised vapers to “leave their vaping days behind them” and that “vaping ruins lives.”


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