BY NICHOLAS SANGIACOMO
Once upon a time, in a corner room on the top of Mount Olympus, Cupid toiled away on his special arrows for Valentine’s Day. Zeus poked his head in.
“Cupid, hate to do this to you but Zac Efron just called out sick again. Only a week till Valentine’s Day – we’ll leave the light on for ya.” Then, with a chuckle and a pop, Zeus was gone.
Cupid was not in such good spirits. “Damn Zeus and damn Zac Efron. I work my fingers to the bone day in and day out to get these humans love, and what do I get? I’ve been single for 800 years now – it’s time for me to go find love.” And so, Cupid went to find love in the place where his presence was requested the most – Las Vegas.
So Cupid walked down the strip and then picked the first bar with the least offensive neon lighting. He sat down and before he could order a drink, a woman sat down next to him.
“I like your… costume. Who are you supposed to be? The New Year’s baby?”
“Not at all, that guy’s a miserable drunk. In fact, I’m not in costume at all, I’m Cupid.”
The woman rolled her eyes and smiled. “Fantastic, I’m Athena, wanna date?”
“Not you, imposter, the real Athena is fat and happy on the top of Mount Olympus.” With that, Cupid turned away.
“For a guy that comes to a bar in nothing but whitey tighteys and fake wings, you’re surprisingly sensitive. Forgive me – my names Jess Winn.”
Cupid turned back to face Jess. “Jess Winn? Aren’t you still with that bodybuilder you met at the gym on Valentine’s Day two years back?” Jess looked around the bar and came in closer to Cupid.
“How the hell do you know about Crash – are you stalking me?”
“Don’t you listen? I’m Cupid, I’m there every Valentine’s Day. Then I hit them with an arrow, like I did for you and Crash that day by the water fountain, so they can fall in love for a year. Then, if it’s going well, I come back next year and do it again. At least I used too.”
Jess looked at Cupid for a long time then nodded slowly. Finally, she got up from the bar. “Wait here.”
So Jess came back with a few of her friends and had Cupid explain how they had met their lovers. By the time he was done, they were all convinced, and very much infatuated with him.
“You do amazing work. I had two great years with him, though I was thinking of breaking it off.”
Cupid had sworn not to use his arrows after he quit Mount Olympus, but he still had a good bit of charm. Soon, he won the affection of Jess and all of her friends as they prepared to break up with their boyfriends.
Two days before Valentine’s Day, they met him at the movies where they explained they had all broken up with their boyfriends so they could be with him. Cupid, who had been without love for 800 years, was willing to look past the ethical implications of having seven girlfriends; he welcomed them all with open arms, promising to cure their broken hearts.
And cure them he did, and they bragged and bragged about it. Soon, word got around – far enough to the gym, where Crash and some of the other recently dumped boyfriends moped.
“So I hear this guy – Cupid, he’s calling himself – is the one that convinced all our girlfriends to dump us. How’s about we go teach this guy a lesson?” The rest of the men, love starved and pumped up on testosterone, agreed.
That night, after Cupid had dropped off his girlfriends at their different houses, he pulled into the driveway of the apartment he rented. Crash and his goons were waiting for him. They grabbed Cupid before he could get into his house, because Cupid could never figure out which of his 8 keys was for his house or for his girlfriend’s houses.
If anyone could be coined a lover, not a fighter, it was Cupid. As soon as he was done eating more body blows then a heavy weight, Cupid asked “Why are you doing this?”
“You stole all our girlfriends and we want them back.”
“How can I do that? I love all seven of them too much!”
“You’re Cupid and tomorrow’s Valentine’s Day. We’ll go to them tomorrow and beg to have them back. Then you hit them with an arrow so that they take us back. If you don’t, we’ll be back here and make it so you can’t love anybody.”
Cupid was heartbroken but he saw there was no way out. The next day, he went to his 7 girlfriends’ houses and shot them with the arrow that got them back with their exes.
So, the next day, Cupid returned to Mount Olympus and started production for next year’s set of arrows. In the meantime, he tried to work on plans to hopefully find love one day. He figured he might talk to Death, who lived next door.